I’ve been hanging out quite a bit with X recently. Mainly because I’m currently taking one of his classes (only two more left! *sobs*) and we have this unspoken rule about hanging out after. We usually take turns to decide to what to have for dinner and we always end up back at his place just to chill and hang out.
He’s been going through quite a bit recently and he shared that he’s getting unhappier by the day because of these problems. Which came to me as a shock because while I know that he’s stressed, I didn’t realise it was to this extent. And then he asked me if I was happy. I took some moments to ponder, and said yes. I mean, other than my diabetes and how it may go downhill that is always at the back of my mind, I think I’m quite happy with my current lot. Especially because I know I can count on him to support me if shit does happen. And it’s going to sound terrible but, I’m happier when he’s around. Not just physically, but whenever we’re just “together”.
And then the conversation turned slightly morbid. Because we’re both getting older, it’s only normal that more and more people we know will get old/sick and leave us. I voiced my concern on how I was afraid he would fall into depression if his Godma were to leave one day and I wouldn’t be able to get him out of it. He assured me he would be ok should that day comes. But who knows right, he can say all he wants now. Then I told him, if the day comes that he should go before me, that would be it. I don’t think I will be able to pull myself out of it. He joked that I shouldn’t let my friends know where his final resting place is then because they would come wreak havoc.
A little back story. So you know ALL my friends hate him because they think he’s been leading me on despite me repeating over and over again that it’s all me because I refuse to go despite him telling me how he wants to be single forever. The final straw for them came when I voiced the idea of moving away from where I’ve lived all my life to be near him. Of course that is not the main reason. But you can guess how no one will listen to the other reasons I have the moment they hear about how near he will be to me.
So I told him all these (on hindsight I shouldn’t have), and we now have this running joke on how the entire neighbourhood (because most of my friends live in the East with me) hates him because of me.
He’s the only person (ok and maybe his mother) who is very excited about the prospect of me being his “neighbour”. So I am very torn. On one hand, I’m a bit miffed with all my friends and family because shouldn’t they be happy for me that I’m starting a new chapter of my life? Even if they cannot understand me, the least they could do is to keep their negative and nasty comments to themselves. On the other hand, a little voice in my head asks what if they are right? What if I regret moving so far away? And since it’s a huge investment I cannot just up and return but live with the regret. That is, if I regret.
So yes. I am happy. Especially when I’m with him. Every little silly thing he does makes me smile. Every moment we spend together my heart sings. Every light in my body glows with him around. I am more than happy. I am contented.
xoxoxoxo.
fab.sab 