It’s Sab, let’s say hello. “Eh-oh!”

So I promised to give you the numbers at my next weigh-in. I mean, I’m not literally going to give you the exact digits (sorry if you’re disappointed but I’m embarrassed by the numbers lol), but… THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE FROM THREE MONTHS AGO.

Well paint me disappointed. I was hoping for even just 1-2kg, but nada. My friends tried to comfort me by saying that I probably gained muscle. But come on. I have sooooo much fats to lose, surely they can’t all be converted to muscle immediately. When I expressed my extreme disappointment at my doctor’s, he attributed it to the fact that I’m on a full insulin regimen, so it’s not easy to lose weight. Not sure if it’s really true or he was trying to make me feel better, but hey, he’s the intelligent one between us.

This morning, I was looking to pack some clothes for my vacation next week, and I pulled out a skirt. Oh my fucking lord…. I was no where near in zipping up the damn skirt. It was separated by the Yangtze River or something. I last wore this skirt about two years ago, but seriously how did I get so fat? Depressing times indeed. And now, I’m so afraid of putting on like 5kg during my trip because our itinerary mainly consists of places and things to eat. Plus, I will not be attending my boxing classes that week. Good luck to me.

I keep reminding myself that the change will not come overnight, but it is quite demoralising when there seems to be no progress. I think, I really need to look at adjusting my diet, but that makes me even sadder lol.

So looks like I can’t say tubby bye-bye any time soon. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po and Sab, Teletubbies, Teletubbies, say hello!

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Time for tubby bye-bye.

On 8th of December 2018, I wrote a post about me starting to exercise because I was putting on soooo much weight. I won’t pretend that it wasn’t attributed to no fault of mine. I take full responsibility for being The Snack Queen.

And because I’ve been such a negative, toxic person, obsessing especially you-know-who, I shall inject some positivity into my feed.

I have honestly no idea what I weigh now. The last weigh-in didn’t show any difference, and my next will only take place next week or so. Will update on numbers once I get them.

I’m still diligently going for my boxing classes twice a week, unless I’m sick or away for work. I do feel stronger. Even though I still huff and puff loudly (sometimes embarrassingly so) during class, I manage to keep up with most of the drills and am no longer the weakest in each class. I know so because even though I’m panting for dear life, I still keep an eagle eye on my surroundings lol. Need to observe my “competition” to make myself feel better hahahahaha.

A couple of friends (literally only two- but I guess that’s better than none) have told me I look slimmer/toner, and that’s honestly enough to keep me going. I thrive on encouragement and praises. This middle child syndrome thingy doesn’t seem to want to leave me ever. Other than that, some of my clothes fit me better. I no longer have to hold my breath throughout the day or keep pulling at tops because they were getting snug. I even have a couple of outfits that actually feel looser now. Hallelujah.

You know what I’m most guilty of? Admiring myself in the mirror HAHAHAHAHA. I’m super guilty of flexing my arms and checking if my tummy profile looks trimmer lolol. I’m no where near having any form of abs or toned limbs or such, but I noticed less jiggly bits. And even the slightest hints of some shaping (I don’t know how to describe that). I know for best results, I should be dieting too but I don’t really want to take it to the extremes because if I slack one day, everything is going to come back in double-quick time. So for me now, as long as I’m moving my ass, it’s good enough.

Still finding it hard to manage my insulin intake especially on exercise days. I’ve had to cut back on quite a fair amount of insulin because I get hypoglycaemic episodes almost after every exercise days. Sometimes even twice a night. Just like tonight for example. I gave myself less than what I would usually give, and on top of that I took in extra carbs which I did not account for. Yet, while I was typing this halfway, I had to go take in glucose because I went low again. Not sure if this will push my HbA1c levels even lower than my target, but I definitely see the benefits of exercise. Less insulin means less weight gain.

I’m extremely thankful that my company reimburses me to exercise, because at S$30/class, I’m not sure how diligent I’d be if it had to come out of my own pocket. That’s easily like S$240/month! I know there are free options out there but jogging really bores the shit out of me. For now, I’m still enjoying these classes so I’ll stick to it and see how things pan out in future.

One day, if I achieve my goal, I may just post a before and after picture to commemorate my success. Not sure when that one day will arrive though lol. And wait. I realised I did not take a before (you know, one of those where people pose in tights and their sports bra) picture at all. Perhaps I could just use any random photo for comparison.

If you’re on a similar journey like me, I know exactly how you feel, but let’s keep up together. And one day, someday, when all those people who shunned us because we looked like the cast of Teletubbies now want to be our friend again, we can show them the door. Or your middle finger if you prefer. Here’s to us looking hotter, naked or not.

xoxoxoxo.

Good night.

More than 60 days now. He used to be the first person I texted whenever I had anything to share; happy news, angry rants, random gossip, terrible weather… Just about anything and everything really. Because I really felt that deep connection.

These days, I rarely talk about him. If people ask, I’d just simply say we’re no longer talking to each other, and thankfully, most of my friends have high EQ, so they don’t press me for details. Still not sure if I can talk about it because that would mean dredging up those horrific revelations which I rather much forget about. I behave no differently from my usual loud, madcap self when I’m with other people which is a very good thing. Because the last thing I want is to have to talk about it. Or have others worry about me. Or gossip about it to others.

The nights though, are especially hard to bear. In solitude and when the world is quiet, that’s when it all comes. Every night, I wonder how he’s doing, if he’s ok. And I also wonder if he ever thinks of me too. Everything I do, I can hear him. My insomnia has never gone away, but only gotten worse. He used to nag at me non-stop when he found out I only sleep at about 1am. Imagine what he’d say if he found out I now only sleep at 4-5am.

I used to also share all my work woes with him. And he would always talk me through them. Now, I don’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. Or care enough.

I think I’m getting better though. I haven’t teared (except now when I’m typing this) in a while. I try to re-focus when too much of him occupies my mind. The days are getting easier. The nights… Well I think they may get better too. The only thing that hasn’t changed is me whispering good night to him every night. He can’t hear it, but I feel better imagining the wind blowing it to his ears, so that he’ll have a good night, every night. And I miss you too.

Good night.

xoxoxoxo.

(Undo) Help.

UPDATE.

Ok I know it’s been maybe 10 seconds since I posted this. But he’s alive. I decided to try the whatsapp thing again before reaching out, and he appeared as online. He’s also well enough to change his display picture.

I think even the heavens are on my side for sending me the sign I needed to reassure my sorry ass.

So thank goodness I didn’t do anything I would want to kick myself later for. I’m sorry guys lol. I’m a worry wart.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It’s now been forever since X and I have had any form of communication. While I was slightly miffed at the beginning, it has started to become slightly concerning. He has disappeared. He used to post about work and his interests quite often on social media, but his last post coincided with the date of my last blog post- 26 April. Other than posting, he used to frequently watch my insta stories too, but he has seemingly not come online for a reallyyyyy long time.

To be honest, I’m worried if something bad has happened to him, plus I don’t quite get a good vibe about him being “missing”. But on the other hand, I don’t want to make the first move and text him because of my ego. I know, I know, having a big ego never did anyone good, but after all the things I slammed him for in my previous posts, I definitely don’t want to be seen as crawling back to him.

We do not have any mutual friends (because he’s never introduced any of his friends to me), and the only people I know are his mother and brother. But it’s also not as if like they’re my BFFs and we have each other’s contacts and stuff. I’ve done all the stalker-ish things I can in order to find out if he’s well. Like trying to see his ‘last seen’ on whatsapp. But I can’t see shit because perhaps we haven’t talked in awhile (I don’t even know how these things work).

So the only thing left right now is to really try to reach out to him. I mean, any friend could and would show concern for another person right? But tell me. What do I say? Would a “Hey, how are you?” suffice? Or would that still sound a tad desperate? But to be honest, I’m a little bit afraid. Of receiving bad news. Or no news for that matter. Seriously, what would you all do in my shoes? This time, my question is not rhetorical.

xoxoxoxo.

3.0.

Thirty days. That’s how long it has been since we had any form of communication. If I can be honest, I still think of him every single day, but not to the point of wanting to text him. So far, I’ve managed to tell a couple of friends about it without tearing (well done, me) and of course these friends being mine, they’d naturally be on my side. Both sexes did say the same thing about him, so I guess it must be correct if both genders can agree on something haha.

Forget about him, was a recurring point. I wish I could but seven years of memories cannot be erased so easily unless I got hit on the head hard and got amnesia or something.

A couple of my friends have very enthusiastically want to set me up with their friends, but I always say no. This whole matchmaking thing is so backward and awkward and I’ve been single for way too long that I no longer know the “right” etiquette for dating and stuff. Only bright point I can think of of being one half of a couple is the regular sex. And even then that might not be great. So I’m very very resistant to the idea.

I haven’t been doing anything differently, but I’m very thankful for the boxing classes that I’ve been attending twice weekly. Each class is so intense that I’m unable to think of anything else but to keep breathing and not die. Progress is very slow, I still look generally the same, but I noticed that some back fat has gone, and a friend commented yesterday that I look more toned. Lol as if “toned” can even be used to describe me at the mo. But I keep pushing myself with two thoughts. The first being, I didn’t get fat in a day or two, so I shouldn’t expect to lose weight that quickly as well. Secondly, I want to look hot naked hahaha. Not that anyone’s going to see me, but I can.

The days seem so long recently. Work is an absolute drag and I’ve never felt so sluggish about it before. I don’t go out very much either (or want to). I just want to lie in bed all day on weekends. I think I’m turning into one of those middle-aged weirdos. Have you ever heard people saying things like, “Omg that xxx is so weird. Must be because she’s a sad old spinster”, or similar things like that? In this part of the world where I am, single, middle-aged ladies get hit the worst. Everything they do or say can be concluded by the fact that they’re single, therefore deprived of sex, therefore having an aura of weirdness about them. First world country with such baseless, traditional, brainless thinking.

So great. I’m well on my way to becoming a spinster who counts the number of days her non-existent, one-sided soul mate isn’t talking to her.

xoxoxoxo.

The whole tooth (truth), and nothing but the tooth.

Has it been less than two weeks since my last sad post? It sure feels way longer than that. After my last post, he’s only tried texting me once more (sending me a picture of a bedroom he thinks I’d like for my future house; see what I mean???). I think I replied two words along the lines of not bad or something. I mean, you can’t really blame me right? If someone slaps you then apologises, am I supposed to embrace that person wholeheartedly? I think not.

So the past 10ish days have been quite hellish for me. Mostly because I had to keep fighting the urge to text him random shit like we usually do. Like I said, I cannot be BFFs with the person who just high-fived my face. Also because I went for wisdom tooth surgery. The last time I removed the right one was about five years ago, and I remember the process to be quite tolerable. So this time, I was expecting a similar experience. In fact, I was semi looking forward to it because I would get five days of medical leave. No work woohoo!!! To give you a summary, here are my insta stories. You don’t have to click on them because they’re all text haha.

I’m now in day seven (because it’s 3.33am where I am) and I can finally eat almost normal food. Just that I have to take really small bites and some things I still have to avoid because I’m so afraid of food bits being stuck in the cavities. All this time the surgeon said I only have to remove the left bottom tooth, but on surgery day, he informed me that I’d have to remove the upper as well. FML. Only silver lining from this was that I got eight days of medical leave instead woohoo. Other than not having to go to work, I wish I will never have to experience this again. Oh wait, I don’t. I have no more wisdom teeth left hurhur.

And you know what? X actually saw all my stories but did not even bother to ask if I’m ok. It’s ok, maybe it’s for the better that we cut this once and for all.

Ok I’m going to sound really neurotic right here but it’s really not ok. I do feel quite hurt. He really doesn’t give a fuck’s shit anymore, does he? You know, the shock from that revelation was so big that I still can’t talk to anybody about it. A couple of my friends have repeatedly asked if I’m ok and if I can tell them what happened but I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll start crying if I start to remember all those hurtful things he said. I don’t want to recall those unpleasantness, but yet I feel like I should always do so to remind myself to end this once and for all, instead of being this spineless person. Gosh I do sound a little psycho, don’t I?

I’ll be removing my stitches on Monday, so that’s what I’ll focus on for now. Please please don’t let there be any infection or other complications or any food bits that they’d have to flush out. Please.

xoxoxoxo.

A million little pieces.

I got slapped in the face two days ago. Not physically, but it damn well felt like it. In fact, I think it would hurt less if my body took the physical pain.

In one of my usual, random chats with X, we were talking about how people choose their spouses and how some of them make bad decisions by having children even though the chance of their offsprings being ill because of rogue genes are extremely high. So I asked (since he kept criticising how people seem to choose spouses like buying clothes) how he’d choose his. And he talked about compatibility and getting along well in general. And that’s where it all went downhill.

He basically said that both of us are not compatible AT ALL, and this is a translated excerpt in his very own words:

“You love buying bags, I hate buying bags.”

“I love cooking and eating. You are the type who eats only to live and don’t like cooking.”

“You love drinking, I don’t.”

“I love swimming and walking, you don’t.”

“You like boxing, I don’t.”

At this point, I just felt like he was finding a bone to pick. It’s not that I love boxing, I’m no where near pursuing it, but so far, it’s the one exercise that I don’t hate and actually enjoy. He then continues..

“Your dream home would be in dark colours, while I love bright spaces.”

“My god! We’re more like enemies! How can you say that we’re compatible at all?!?!”

So I brought up the point that even though our interests may differ, but we do have endless conversations; proof being us having three-hour long conversations, and us spending eight to 10 hours each time we hang out even if it was just supposed to be dinner.

He said that’s because we haven’t met in a long while and we have tons to update each other. He said if we were married, we’d probably have nothing to say to each other.

I totally disagree on the above because the time spent “updating” each other is actually quite short. We do spend hours talking about anything and everything, including our future, so why would he say that? I also brought up the point of having nothing to say to a friend even if they have not met for years just because they cannot connect.

Our conversation ended shortly after that, and I felt this terrible ache in my heart. I was honestly thrown off balance and shocked by his comments. Was I the delusional one who believed we had deep, meaningful conversations the past seven years? Did it mean nothing to him, after all this time?

I kept asking myself and putting myself in different scenarios. Would I spend so much time and effort with a person if there was no connection? My answer was always no. Even with my closest friends, we spend half or a day together and see each other once or twice a month, but we don’t follow it up with hours of conversations. So I’m honestly very puzzled why he’d feel that way.

He has since texted me once on whatsapp, and DM-Ed me a cute cat video on Instagram, but I replied to neither. I’m not playing the play hard to get or I’m-angry-therefore-I-will-ignore-you game but I really do not know how to reply to any of the messages. I tried typing a response, but always ended up not sending them.

Before our last conversation ended, I said, since we’re so incompatible, then I guess there’s no point in continuing to talk to each other (right???). Don’t you agree with me? Am I being overly insensitive? I don’t know, I’m really very confused.

What I do know is, how my heart went cold the moment he said those words. I felt a very odd kind of heartbreak; the kind you get where you feel like you’ll never ever be completely alright again. I just lost my (one-sided) soul mate, and I don’t know what to do or feel anymore.

xoxoxoxo.

To the nunnery I go.

Remember my annual “pilgrimage” to the fengshui lady that I last talked about last year (post called Providence in January last year)? I just went to see her a couple of days ago. I usually go see her before Chinese New Year, but this year I simply didn’t have time.

So I just read my above said post and I’m getting the heebie jeebies. She saw through my numbers that I’d change jobs because this one will be fraught with gossip and whatnot. But yet, when I asked about changing this year, she advised against it because she said I’d still be unhappy. FML I’m really starting to believe that I’ve got a problem.

What’s creepy about this year’s reading has actually got to do with my current very non-existent love life. So apparently, I will have not one, not two but FIVE 桃花s this year! For non-mandarin speakers, those two words literally translate to Peach Blossoms. These words are usually associated with love and romance. Something like luck with the opposite sex. There can be good or bad ones (just like how in real life we can either meet nice people or douchebags). Then she dropped the first bomb. These five men will either be a) younger than me, or b) have an existing family.

Fuck my life to the max ok. I have NEVER dated younger men due to personal preference and I absolutely abhor home wreckers. Now she’s telling me I could potentially be one??? When I objected rather strongly, she said when it comes to fate or providence, you’re not going to escape from it no matter what. She then tried to make me feel better by saying the man (men?!) could be a divorcée, and I did not come in between anyone. Ermmmm I don’t think that’s much of a consolation. How am I going to lift my head up and face the world if I ever break up a couple??? Just let me continue to be single please!

And if you think that revelation is shocking, wait till you hear the next one. She then proceeded to tell me that I will get married in 2021. As in very confidently. There was no disclaimers or maybes, she just said I WILL be married in 2021. Help. Thinking back on allllll those years ago when I first met her when I was still in my 20s, she told me that I’d only get married after the age of 36. I think that was eight or nine years ago. In 2021, I’d be 37. My numbers seem to be very consistent after all these years. But I am a bit spooked even though I just laughed it off when she told me.

What am I going to do? I’ve been single for 14 years this year (OMG OLD MAID!!!). As much as I cannot seem to let go of X, I still envisioned a single life ahead. When I announced this on my insta story, I had so many friends congratulating me in advance. Chill out guys. Congratulate me only if it materialises ok.

I’ve always said I visit this lady because she’s been quite spot on, but I usually take her advice with maybe a handful of salt at best. I’m not going to sit around and wait for the five men to appear, or start to plan a wedding lol. We’re already almost done with the first quarter of 2019, so how am I supposed to meet, know, date and marry a person in two years? It’s too rushed for me. I cannot. But I’m just putting this out here so that we can look back and review this come 2021. Watch this space my friends, and wish me luck (that it won’t come true).

xoxoxoxo.

The miracle.

Happy Lunar New Year my online friends! And holy mother of god I’ve a miracle to report, someone contact the Vatican for me. For the first time in god knows how many years, I did not get the dreaded question about my dating life! I think my relatives have given up on me and believe that I will be destined to become an old maid. It’s ok, if thinking that allows me to have peace from this day forth, then think what you want.

This year has been relatively quiet though. Usually I’d have to do my visitations for two days, but this year I only had to fulfill one day, which was why when X invited me over for day two, I said ok. In case you voted in your head for which of the two dresses I wore, I hope you guessed right (not that there’s any prize to be won anyways) if you were even bothered lol. Also sharing some of my annual family shots.

This year, I collected a surprisingly decent amount of money, because like I mentioned in my previous post, it has dwindled quite pathetically over the years. Guess who’s having the last laugh for being unmarried. Also, it could mean that my relatives are doing economically better hahaha.

X and me have this thing, where our hang out sessions at home runs late into the night. Like if I’m invited for dinner, it could easily stretch to six or eight hours. He invited me over for an early lunch, so I estimated that I’d be home latest by dinner time. But no, we have broken our record. I was at his place for a whopping 11 hours yesterday. I went for lunch, awkwardly met some of his extended relatives, got coerced into staying for dinner by his mum, hung out, went for a walk, and very nearly extended my stay into supper time. His relatives were very surprised to see me of course, and I’m sure they secretly asked his mother if I’m his girlfriend. His mum too, furtively asked me why her son doesn’t want to get married (how would I know- he’s your son lol), and asked me if I have a boyfriend. When I told X about it, he joked that his mum already laid out the puzzle pieces for me, and all I needed to do was to put it together for her. But dude, you’re the one who doesn’t want to be with me, so what were you expecting?

My parents on the other hand, were also speculating. I told them that I’d be home for dinner, so they were very surprised when they realised I was at his place the entire day. My dad asked what was going on, and my mum told him point blank that we’d never get together. I wonder what goes on in their heads. Would they be disappointed in me for “wasting my time”, or would they be angry with him for “leading me on”, or perhaps be mad at me for being stupid.

Anyway I had an absolutely wonderful day with him and his family. We took a nice picture that resembles a family photo but I won’t show it unless he gives his approval (he does not understand why I like to share my life on social media). What amazes me is that we can talk about anything under the sun even after almost seven years. Our phone conversations still lasts for a couple of hours. We’re like partners, without the intimacy lol. Even my own friends do not believe that we are not sleeping together (those horny bastards).

The festival lasts for 15 days, but that’s about all the excitement for me during this period. I’m heading across the border with the boys tomorrow for the weekend, so maybe we’ll indulge in more merrymaking then.

May the year of the Pig bring prosperity, luck, joy, abundant wealth and good health to everyone, whether you celebrate CNY or not!

xoxoxoxo.

The annual battle.

Chinese New Year is coming. Just two more sleeps away. When I was younger, it would be a festival that I very much looked forward to; wearing new clothes, eating traditional food cooked by grandma, stuffing my fat face with all the yummy bakes, playing cards and of course, receiving red packets containing money.

On hindsight, I never saw those money. It would be passed to my parents for safekeeping and keep they would, safe from them it wasn’t.

Now that I’m much older, I actually dread CNY. Mainly because relatives keep asking questions. Mainly to do with my dating life which is non-existent. Over the past couple of years it has intensified because even my younger cousins are getting married. And then there’s always the old maid comments. Even though these people are related by blood, sometimes I really hate them. They don’t seem to understand that I’m happy like this. And why do I need to spend so much time explaining my point of view.

The only thing I look forward to is still wearing of new clothes. Though technically, I wear new clothes all the time haha, but I prefer traditional clothes which is a little too fancy for normal days. Grandma is no longer around but my godma’s helper tries to replicate her cooking. I barely touch the goodies because diabetes. And when I do go near them, I’d get judgey looks and comments like “are you sure you can eat that?!”. Very very annoying. Bitch I’ve lived with diabetes for more than 17 years and I’m still surviving so don’t you dare turn into a doctor and judge me. But to save all these trouble, I’d rather not eat. I still collect red packets because tradition says that as long as you’re unmarried, you’re still entitled to receive them. But over the years, I’ve gotten lesser and lesser, plus because I give out some to my parents, younger siblings, maternal grandmother and two sets of godparents, what I receive is no where even close to what I give out. But it’s ok, it’s also a season for giving.

I have not really decided which dress I’m going to wear yet, but I’ll give you guys a sneak peek if you’re interested. The only other person who has seen these mock-ups is X. And I’ll also do a refresher on what I wore the previous years.

2018 CNY Day One

2018 CNY Day Two

2017 CNY Day One

2017 CNY Day Two

2016 CNY Day One

And here’s my dresses for this year…

Have not decided which one to wear for day one, will try them on again tomorrow and gather some family votes haha..

If you’re celebrating CNY too, then I’m wishing you a prosperous and happy year ahead! And hope you don’t have annoying relatives to fend off.

xoxoxoxo.