Goodnight.Β 

Hello. I’ve decided to take a hiatus from writing because I just realised that my last six consecutive posts are mostly about the negative. And this is bad. Negativity wears people out, not only myself but people reading it. And it can get really toxic if I lose this awareness. And the last thing I want is to spread all this dark energy. 

I’m not sure how long I’ll be away for. I don’t want to say indefinitely because that sounds like an eternity. It could be a few weeks or even months, heck, it might even be tomorrow, but I will surely be back, because this is my avenue for voicing my thoughts. 

I just want to reflect on my life and myself. And I promise that when I return, it will be a happy post. Or at the very least, a positive one. So, this is not goodbye for sure, but see you later. 

xoxoxoxo. 

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Downtown funk.Β 

Have you ever been so tired that you’ve thought about giving up on life? Not give up as in ending it, but just go through the day-to-day motions kind of tired?

I’m afraid I’ve entered this stage. Work has been seriously stressful and it’s going to get worse. My area of coverage will be expanded that I’m not sure how I will have the time to see every customer properly. I’m no longer excited to go to work and I’m also not very motivated to do so. In fact, I have to pep talk myself every morning just to get out of bed. And the only thing that keeps me going is looking forward to the end of day and the weekends. 

And this has overflowed into my personal life. I’m tired all the time. I just want to veg out when I get home. I no longer have the energy to meet any one for dinner or even drinks. Fancy me saying no to alcohol. The thought of meeting people just tires me out. I talk so much at work and I dread having to do that after work hours now. Can you imagine that. I love talking soooo much I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror all the time when I was young. And in my school report card year after year, the words “talkative” or “verbal diarrhoea” was a given. 

I also get annoyed when people make plans and the group gets bigger and bigger. Because now I’ll have to stretch my conversation and social skills further and thinner. But I really don’t feel like it. But yet I cannot ignore all social invitations because then I’ll get probing and persistent questions like “are you ok?”. I know my friends mean well, but I’d prefer to be left alone. 

And then there’s this thing about being “match-made” AGAIN. Because my work environment is fairly new, this whole cycle about me being single gets highlighted again. I don’t see it as a problem, but apparently everyone else does. These days, I get attempted to be paired up with anything of the male species and walks on two legs. Then my sister asked, “What if a rooster walks by…?”. Lol I thought that was quite hilarious. 

Not exactly sure why I’m in such a funk. Could be because of my last post, or having everything shitty happening all at once. It’s terrible. On the outside I’m all πŸ€‘πŸ˜¬πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜Š, but once I’m alone I become πŸ—ΏπŸ™„πŸ˜”β˜ΉοΈπŸ˜”. 

This is bad. Adulting is bad. Even buying clothes don’t make me that happy anymore, and that’s saying something. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Walk a mile in my shoes.Β 

You know how sometimes people tell you to “just snap out of it”? The context may differ, but mostly, if you’re on the receiving end of this, you might be slightly annoyed because no, I cannot just snap the fuck out of it. 

Well yeah. I was referring to myself haha. But I did recently snap out of something which has been howdoiputit been going around in a semi-vicious cycle for half a decade. I know, I know, I’ve probably talked about cutting X off here and there and then some, but always turned back in the end. I think my friends have decided that nothing they say will change my mind until I snap out of it myself. 

Anyway, it’s been one week since we last had any contact (non-physical of course), and I’m going to tell you what exactly transpired. And I expect all of you to take my side and agree with me after, ok?

So the story goes… I actually wanted to spend his birthday with him this year because I felt bad that he was alone last year (gave up asking last year because every year, he NEVER spends his actual day with me- not that he has to, but still…). So I said I’d buy him a nice meal, and it was all going well until I asked him which day he would prefer (because nice fancy restaurants need advanced reservations because I’m not a millionaire duh). He actually chose today (which I couldn’t anyway because I was lunching with a group of doctors) and that got me really really riled up. 

I admit that when he first asked me, I said any day was fine, including weekdays. But that was before my whereabouts are so watched at work, and that means I no longer have the luxury of taking an afternoon off whenever I feel like it.

What really got me flared up so bad was him picking a random weekday. Ok, so he might not understand how my freedom has been restricted, but come on. The last time we met face to face was maybe almost a year ago. I mean what the fuckity fuck. We meet once a year and all you’re going to give me is maybe two hours of your precious time?! He argued that even if we met on a weekend, we’d have dinner and be done and that would also take the same amount of time. 

What the fuck. Am I such terrible company that you can’t wait to up and go?! I’m not even asking for a full day of his time but maybe even a coffee after dinner would be nice BECAUSE I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN A YEAR AND TWO HOURS IS NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO CATCH UP WITH A YEAR OF MISSING YOU IN MY LIFE. FUCK. 

See. I’m right. He’s willing to give everybody time but me. He even gave a complete stranger more time (stranger turned up unannounced with his friend) even though he felt repulsed by said stranger. What the fuck. I’m actually worth less than a fucking stranger. His argument was that that was his friend’s friend and he had to tolerate him because his friend was leaving the country for good. He wasn’t even keen on meeting this person in the first place!

Ok I digressed a little but other than being really angry, I felt my heart going cold at that moment. Of course, when I stopped replying his messages, he went on to argue about how busy he had been and how because of that his health took a poor turn and that even though he didn’t tell me but he was feeling very unwell blahblahblahblahblahblahblah. 

I mean seriously. How much more do I have to bend over backwards for him? I could give you a list of things that I can’t do, but I’ll just stick to the birthday theme while we’re at it. I’m not allowed to celebrate his birthday, a meal will be just a meal, nothing birthday related. I can’t buy him a cake because he doesn’t like sweet things (but his family can buy him one and he’s ok with that) and also reason above. I cannot buy him presents because he’s difficult to please (his own words) and I’ve since given up because he actually returned a present I gave him even though I spent many many many hours and a small sum of money thinking he would like it and he didn’t even bother pretending to like it. I cannot meet him on his actual birthday because he’s usually celebrating it with other people (look people, contradiction!). And no, I won’t ever be invited to join because “why would I introduce them to you when you don’t know them and don’t talk about the same things?”. Thank you also for making me sound retarded. You and your elistist fucking organic eating tree hugging Mickey Mouse club can shove your attitudes up your own. 

I’m not sure if it’s years of accumulated anger and frustration or it really just hit me that he doesn’t care. 

It has been one week and I have had zero urge to resume any form of communication. I hope you see this. I hope you get mad when you read this. I hope you just cut me out of your life because seriously is there any fucking difference in the first place? I think you have taken me for granted enough. I’ve had enough. Happy birthday in advance. Your fucking wish has finally come true. You won’t even receive the birthday cards that I already prepared (that’s the only thing I’m allowed to give and I don’t even know if he appreciates it or uses it to pick cat poo- ok now that’s making me sad). Now you can blow out the candles on that fucking cake I’ve never been allowed to buy. 

xoxoxoxo. 

So, that’s that.Β 

The other day, I was having a chat with a friend and he is the kind of person who’s adamant about not bringing a child into this world because of the commitment and responsibilities that involves it (notice how I refer to children as it lol). 

And I was always a great supporter of this notion too. I talked about it before in other posts but my main beef about having children is the worry that it might inherit my condition, and no way do I want to feel guilty for the rest of my life. 

You can call me selfish or whatever names you fancy, but really, that’s not my goal in life and you should respect that and not judge me because I refuse to concede to societal norms. 

So back to my friend. He was telling me about his other friend and he suddenly said how nice it would be to see a mini version of him running around, and he wondered who his hypothetical child (he’s single) would take after. 

Wow. That stunned me for a moment. He has never, and I mean NEVER showed any inclination towards children (at least in front of me), and suddenly he becomes wistful? Is it an age thing or some too-bad-I-won’t-be-able-to-carry-on-my-family-name sort of thing?! I mean, this is the very same person who said “Can we go now?” when I happened to bump into a friend alone with his two young daughters and had to leave them for a while, so I naturally stayed to keep an eye on them because they’re really young and were near an escalator. In fact, when he passed that comment, I thought in my mind that that’s such a callous and cold thing to say. Wow. 

But that made me think after we put down the phone. What would a mini half version of me be like? Would it be an adorable little thing or would it be like the spawn of the devil back to take revenge because I was difficult as a child as well and now haha I’m going to get a taste of my own medicine?

And that thought freaked me out so much. On one hand, it seems to be quite a nice idea, but on the other hand…. Maybe not. I don’t want to be responsible for any thing. I seriously don’t even like them that much. I think I’d stick to cooing at other people’s children. 

And oh, by the way, that friend I’m referring to is X. And no, my ovaries did not explode as much as I like him. So that can mean only two things. One, I’m really not that into him anymore. Two, I really really don’t want to give life to anything. So there. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Marigold. (That’s what I’ll be called if I’m a powerpuff girl)

Misery loves company, and I’m feeling miserable in every bone in my body. So much so that I’m going to pour out all my work woes today even though I’m usually quite subtle about it. I’m sure Mercury is going into retrograde today. For one, I was late 20 minutes for work today (I usually arrive at least 15-30 minutes early) due to horrible traffic, the horrors! Received a snarky comment from my boss, as if I wasn’t already embarrassed. 

And then I had my turn to present at a meeting. Only to have my boss tell me I got everything wrong and that was not what she wanted. She so did not say that last week I swear. So now, guess who has to do a second presentation two weeks from now.  And since I was supposedly completely “off the charts”, you’d think I’d be dismissed quickly right? WRONG. I was forced to sit there for a full hour. And you think I’ve already got it bad? WRONGER! She basically treated me as if I had some learning disability and kept asking me “Do you understand?”, and when I affirmed, she still kept asking “Are you sure?”. Well, the last I checked, my mental capacity has not deteriorated. 

Now you must be thinking, you poor thing, but that must surely be it? WRONGEST!!! She next implied that I wasn’t working! That to me, was a great insult, and I nearly, very nearly wanted to bang the table and storm out. But I obviously didn’t, though I’ve sworn at her and her ancestors 50 generations back in my head. 

And of course after I left the office to do what I usually do, I met just about the bitchiest clinic staff from hell. Thanks, but my day was already so far down south I was almost unfazed. 

Someone said I must have offended my boss. I cannot think of any example because I’ve been doing her bidding and delivering good results month after month. Maybe she doubted that I was stuck in traffic because she apparently told other colleagues that she used the same expressway as me and she was not caught in traffic. You see, people. You can be early for work 99 out of 100 times but nobody remembers. But the one time you are late, you morph into the biggest sinner on this planet. 

I’m so glad today is over. My entire day was really quite fucked up. To the point where I nearly wanted to curl into a ball and just cry, but I think I’m tougher than this. Now, Mercury, now that you’ve had fun being a rebel, can you please now behave yourself and turn in the right direction that you’re supposed to? I will be eternally grateful. When I wake up tomorrow, everything will go back to normal and I’ll once again be the golden child ok? Promise? I powerpuffed myself to make me feel better. So many cats! 😻

xoxoxoxo. 

My bite is worse than my bark.Β 

Everything is going awry. Work is an endless stretch of stress that seems to be getting worse day by day (I guess my honeymoon period is officially well and truly over). My face is rotting as a result. Can you believe that I’m getting more and more acne-like bulbous growths now that I’m well into my thirties?! No, I almost can’t believe it either, except that the truth waves its obnoxious self every time I look into the mirror. 

That’s not all. My bruxism is also intensifying. I’m quite sure I can turn a raw carrot into mush suitable for an old lady with no teeth at this point. Some days I wake up with an ache in my jaw. I don’t even wear my night guard anymore because my bite is so strong that my teeth actually hurt the next morning. At this rate, I might break the resin together with the rest of my teeth. 

And my goodness. The amount of sleep I’m getting. I used to sleep at around 1am. These days, 2 or even 3am is the norm. And then I wake up feeling grouchy and hating the world. And the drive to work becomes a battle of keeping my eyelids open. Which is very dangerous I know. And then I go to work semi-zombified, which leads to my colleagues asking either why I look like shit or if I’m sick. I don’t even have time to fall sick at this point. 

And to make me feel worse than I already am, someone brought X up tonight. My last post about him was two months ago, and if you’ve been following this aspect of drama in my life, you’d know that two months not talking about him is no mean feat, and I might have set a new Guinness world record or something. In fact, I almost consider it a miracle (maybe I should contact the Vatican). I have stopped texting him first and he’s the one doing all the initiating these days. In fact, my responses border on cold. Can’t blame me eh. But aren’t you all proud of me? So anyway, unfortunately he was mentioned tonight, and I found myself on the verge of tears missing him. I want to drive over to his house and sit on his door stoop bawling. Way to go Sab, way to go. *slow clap*

Idiot friend. You wait till the anti-X army hears about this and you’ll be in deep shit. So yah. My life is becoming an assembly line that has gone berserk and things are going everywhere except in the direction it needs to be going. Fuck this shit. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide.Β 

There are many things that I can share with my family, and some that I don’t because I don’t want them to worry. So I tell my friends. Like my friends who are in the pharmaceutical industry because they understand, but yet because our industry is so small, sometimes I don’t tell in case word gets around and it comes back to me. Then I tell my close friends, because sometimes they understand and sometimes they don’t, but it’s ok, because sometimes all I need is a good old rant and listening ears. Or sometimes, I tell them here, because even though it’s an open space easily accessed by anyone, not many friends know about this, and the rest are strangers, I know it’s fairly safe because who in their right minds will discuss me and my issues to their friends. 

There are a few things though, that I cannot tell anyone because of various reasons, and those are the ones that eat me most. Mostly, it’s because the rationale behind it is too long because I need them to understand my thought process. And then I run their probable reactions in my head. Will they judge me? Will they think I’m mad? Will they think I’m evil or cruel? Will they say “I told you so”? Or will they just brush me off?  

It’s a pain when I run out of outlets to tell because some of these “secrets” eat at me so bad that I end up feeling miserable. Today is one of those days. It’s a combination of multiple problems arisen from work and personal issues. Even though I can’t vocalise it, it has found ways to surface. Like through my face. I’m having a massive breakout on my chin from the stress. 

Can I not go to work tomorrow? Of course I cannot. I have bills to pay and clothes to buy. Silly. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Tasmanian devil.Β 

HELLOOOO!!! I know, I know, it’s been almost a month since I’ve been active. It was the combination of being busy + feeling lazy + so many things happening all at once that got to me. 

For starters I got into a minor accident (no one was injured), my first in all these years of driving, so that was a real bummer. Then my grandma celebrated her 80th birthday, my brother enlisted into the army two days later, my sister left for work in the US for three weeks, I attended this extremely intense training, then my cousin got married followed by a hen’s party the same night. Phew! And that was just from July 1st (except for the accident). I cut four inches off my hair the day before and NO ONE noticed till this day. Because of the training, I could not send my brother off. On hindsight, it was a good thing I wasn’t there because I’m very very sure I would cry, and that in turn might trigger everyone off hahaha. So he will not be able to come home for the next three weeks and I think he’s homesick lol. Also didn’t see my sister off at the airport because of said training. These people are colleagues from around the region and they are all very senior in terms of their hierarchy, but they are also very nice and humble people. So the trade off for the extremely long hours (think 0830hrs to 1930hrs with barely any breaks in between) were the insights that I learned from them from their collective work experience. Also, I now have friends if I visit Taiwan, Korea, Malaysia, Thailand and Philippines. 

On my father’s side, we have 17 cousins and I have 12 nieces and nephews (very productive family I have). I am #10 out of 17. Cousin #12 just got married the past weekend. If that doesn’t make me feel old, I don’t know what will. No, hold on. One of my nieces already has a toddler. Yup, officially old. Somehow, we still are not able to get a complete cousins shot. Someone (or two) will always be missing. This is my first time being served tea (a Chinese tradition where the juniors serve the elders tea, and since I’m older, I get to partake in this ceremony). I didn’t expect to be served because no one pre-empted me and I didn’t know they were such sticklers for tradition, that’s why I didn’t prepare a second red packet. My younger cousins are all slowly but surely overtaking me, so I’ll be more prepared the next time ok πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. And everybody else, please stop asking me when’s my turn. #howaboutnever #whatnightmaresaremadeof #oldmaid 

My ex-team mate is getting married this weekend, so the few of us threw her a hen’s party. Such great fun to be all together again doing non-work stuff. This team of mine, we went through many ups and downs, but I’m glad to say we’ve become friends for life (hope springs eternal) even though the team has broken up work wise. You can try to tear us apart, but I think our bonds are stronger than that. Our bride-to-be is so pretty!Before her wedding on Saturday, we’re planning a surprise birthday party for my godmother because she’s turning 70. I’m so tired guys haha. July seems a bit too jam-packed for my liking. And my pockets. Oh how they have suffered this month!

I think I need a break. Preferably let me hibernate for two weeks?

xoxoxoxo. 

And it goes on and on and on.Β 

Ohnoohnoohno I’m slowly but surely turning into a bitter old woman! Everywhere on social media (especially Instagram), I keep seeing endless posts about weddings and things related to it. Maybe at the very very beginning, some did make me go awww, I thought some were quite nicely done blah blah. And then one day, I’m so desensitised to this whole thing that I find myself getting irritated at the little things. 
Like, why do people keep calling it “my big day”?! It is a special occasion but what’s so big about that day??? And you know, where I am, most weddings are cut from the same mould. I haven’t been touched (emotionally not physically. Actually physically TOP on second thought) since I don’t remember when. I honestly attend weddings because I’m unable to turn some down and for the alcohol. If I have to pay a minimum of $200 per wedding I might as well get smashed. And seeing how I’ll probably not be married in this lifetime, this money is literally money down the drain. Imagine the bags or clothes I could buy. 

So as I was saying.. I’ve observed that weddings are just one great big show. Yeah sure, you’ll be in the limelight in front of hundreds of people, but what really is the point? One barely has any time to mingle with their guests, so saying you want to receive blessings is kind of a tall order. 

So yes. I’m annoyed at how people make weddings out to be such a great deal because I really think what’s most important is how a couple celebrate their union, their new life together, not so much of these bells and whistles. 

If you invite me, and if you’re important enough, of course I’ll still be there, hoping my well wishes reaches you somehow. But don’t be surprised to see me being unenthusiastic. Just make sure you serve enough alcohol (hate couples who stinge on this aspect) and I’ll look really happy in the photos. 

See. If I’m not turning into a bitter old prune, I don’t know what else is. 

xoxoxoxo. 

The Giving Tree Friends.Β 

My friends are amazing. It’s as if they are The Giving Tree or something. I love Hello Kitty. I know people who hate it or do not understand why, but I just love it. I loved her since I was a wee kid and I just never stopped. 

On Monday night, I was just whining to two friends about how our local carrier launched this limited edition HK doll set almost immediately after my flight from Sydney. They had me at limited edition and helloooo it’s HK! 😍😍😍

I was even contemplating booking a short trip just so I could buy it. A bit extreme I know haha. 

Then on Tuesday, one of two said friends asked what was it exactly that I wanted and I showed him a picture. And just like magic, he told me today that he managed to get it for me! Wow. Talk about efficiency. Another of my friend who’s a crew of that airline offered to help me get it after certain limitations. And yet another who saw my post said she could help me as she’s travelling for work. 

My heart. See. I always said my friends are better than yours. I really must have done something right in my life to deserve such good people. 

So even though I’m now $89 poorer (actually it’s quite a rip off but I’m such a sucker haha), I’m so happy. I’m also in a good mood because work seems to be taking a turn for the better and my manager seems quite pleased with me so at least I know I’m doing something right. 

So back to my friends… Maybe I should just casually mention that I want a gold bar or something…? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ #kidding

xoxoxoxo.