My bite is worse than my bark.ย 

Everything is going awry. Work is an endless stretch of stress that seems to be getting worse day by day (I guess my honeymoon period is officially well and truly over). My face is rotting as a result. Can you believe that I’m getting more and more acne-like bulbous growths now that I’m well into my thirties?! No, I almost can’t believe it either, except that the truth waves its obnoxious self every time I look into the mirror. 

That’s not all. My bruxism is also intensifying. I’m quite sure I can turn a raw carrot into mush suitable for an old lady with no teeth at this point. Some days I wake up with an ache in my jaw. I don’t even wear my night guard anymore because my bite is so strong that my teeth actually hurt the next morning. At this rate, I might break the resin together with the rest of my teeth. 

And my goodness. The amount of sleep I’m getting. I used to sleep at around 1am. These days, 2 or even 3am is the norm. And then I wake up feeling grouchy and hating the world. And the drive to work becomes a battle of keeping my eyelids open. Which is very dangerous I know. And then I go to work semi-zombified, which leads to my colleagues asking either why I look like shit or if I’m sick. I don’t even have time to fall sick at this point. 

And to make me feel worse than I already am, someone brought X up tonight. My last post about him was two months ago, and if you’ve been following this aspect of drama in my life, you’d know that two months not talking about him is no mean feat, and I might have set a new Guinness world record or something. In fact, I almost consider it a miracle (maybe I should contact the Vatican). I have stopped texting him first and he’s the one doing all the initiating these days. In fact, my responses border on cold. Can’t blame me eh. But aren’t you all proud of me? So anyway, unfortunately he was mentioned tonight, and I found myself on the verge of tears missing him. I want to drive over to his house and sit on his door stoop bawling. Way to go Sab, way to go. *slow clap*

Idiot friend. You wait till the anti-X army hears about this and you’ll be in deep shit. So yah. My life is becoming an assembly line that has gone berserk and things are going everywhere except in the direction it needs to be going. Fuck this shit. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide.ย 

There are many things that I can share with my family, and some that I don’t because I don’t want them to worry. So I tell my friends. Like my friends who are in the pharmaceutical industry because they understand, but yet because our industry is so small, sometimes I don’t tell in case word gets around and it comes back to me. Then I tell my close friends, because sometimes they understand and sometimes they don’t, but it’s ok, because sometimes all I need is a good old rant and listening ears. Or sometimes, I tell them here, because even though it’s an open space easily accessed by anyone, not many friends know about this, and the rest are strangers, I know it’s fairly safe because who in their right minds will discuss me and my issues to their friends. 

There are a few things though, that I cannot tell anyone because of various reasons, and those are the ones that eat me most. Mostly, it’s because the rationale behind it is too long because I need them to understand my thought process. And then I run their probable reactions in my head. Will they judge me? Will they think I’m mad? Will they think I’m evil or cruel? Will they say “I told you so”? Or will they just brush me off?  

It’s a pain when I run out of outlets to tell because some of these “secrets” eat at me so bad that I end up feeling miserable. Today is one of those days. It’s a combination of multiple problems arisen from work and personal issues. Even though I can’t vocalise it, it has found ways to surface. Like through my face. I’m having a massive breakout on my chin from the stress. 

Can I not go to work tomorrow? Of course I cannot. I have bills to pay and clothes to buy. Silly. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Tasmanian devil.ย 

HELLOOOO!!! I know, I know, it’s been almost a month since I’ve been active. It was the combination of being busy + feeling lazy + so many things happening all at once that got to me. 

For starters I got into a minor accident (no one was injured), my first in all these years of driving, so that was a real bummer. Then my grandma celebrated her 80th birthday, my brother enlisted into the army two days later, my sister left for work in the US for three weeks, I attended this extremely intense training, then my cousin got married followed by a hen’s party the same night. Phew! And that was just from July 1st (except for the accident). I cut four inches off my hair the day before and NO ONE noticed till this day. Because of the training, I could not send my brother off. On hindsight, it was a good thing I wasn’t there because I’m very very sure I would cry, and that in turn might trigger everyone off hahaha. So he will not be able to come home for the next three weeks and I think he’s homesick lol. Also didn’t see my sister off at the airport because of said training. These people are colleagues from around the region and they are all very senior in terms of their hierarchy, but they are also very nice and humble people. So the trade off for the extremely long hours (think 0830hrs to 1930hrs with barely any breaks in between) were the insights that I learned from them from their collective work experience. Also, I now have friends if I visit Taiwan, Korea, Malaysia, Thailand and Philippines. 

On my father’s side, we have 17 cousins and I have 12 nieces and nephews (very productive family I have). I am #10 out of 17. Cousin #12 just got married the past weekend. If that doesn’t make me feel old, I don’t know what will. No, hold on. One of my nieces already has a toddler. Yup, officially old. Somehow, we still are not able to get a complete cousins shot. Someone (or two) will always be missing. This is my first time being served tea (a Chinese tradition where the juniors serve the elders tea, and since I’m older, I get to partake in this ceremony). I didn’t expect to be served because no one pre-empted me and I didn’t know they were such sticklers for tradition, that’s why I didn’t prepare a second red packet. My younger cousins are all slowly but surely overtaking me, so I’ll be more prepared the next time ok ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚. And everybody else, please stop asking me when’s my turn. #howaboutnever #whatnightmaresaremadeof #oldmaid 

My ex-team mate is getting married this weekend, so the few of us threw her a hen’s party. Such great fun to be all together again doing non-work stuff. This team of mine, we went through many ups and downs, but I’m glad to say we’ve become friends for life (hope springs eternal) even though the team has broken up work wise. You can try to tear us apart, but I think our bonds are stronger than that. Our bride-to-be is so pretty!Before her wedding on Saturday, we’re planning a surprise birthday party for my godmother because she’s turning 70. I’m so tired guys haha. July seems a bit too jam-packed for my liking. And my pockets. Oh how they have suffered this month!

I think I need a break. Preferably let me hibernate for two weeks?

xoxoxoxo. 

And it goes on and on and on.ย 

Ohnoohnoohno I’m slowly but surely turning into a bitter old woman! Everywhere on social media (especially Instagram), I keep seeing endless posts about weddings and things related to it. Maybe at the very very beginning, some did make me go awww, I thought some were quite nicely done blah blah. And then one day, I’m so desensitised to this whole thing that I find myself getting irritated at the little things. 
Like, why do people keep calling it “my big day”?! It is a special occasion but what’s so big about that day??? And you know, where I am, most weddings are cut from the same mould. I haven’t been touched (emotionally not physically. Actually physically TOP on second thought) since I don’t remember when. I honestly attend weddings because I’m unable to turn some down and for the alcohol. If I have to pay a minimum of $200 per wedding I might as well get smashed. And seeing how I’ll probably not be married in this lifetime, this money is literally money down the drain. Imagine the bags or clothes I could buy. 

So as I was saying.. I’ve observed that weddings are just one great big show. Yeah sure, you’ll be in the limelight in front of hundreds of people, but what really is the point? One barely has any time to mingle with their guests, so saying you want to receive blessings is kind of a tall order. 

So yes. I’m annoyed at how people make weddings out to be such a great deal because I really think what’s most important is how a couple celebrate their union, their new life together, not so much of these bells and whistles. 

If you invite me, and if you’re important enough, of course I’ll still be there, hoping my well wishes reaches you somehow. But don’t be surprised to see me being unenthusiastic. Just make sure you serve enough alcohol (hate couples who stinge on this aspect) and I’ll look really happy in the photos. 

See. If I’m not turning into a bitter old prune, I don’t know what else is. 

xoxoxoxo. 

The Giving Tree Friends.ย 

My friends are amazing. It’s as if they are The Giving Tree or something. I love Hello Kitty. I know people who hate it or do not understand why, but I just love it. I loved her since I was a wee kid and I just never stopped. 

On Monday night, I was just whining to two friends about how our local carrier launched this limited edition HK doll set almost immediately after my flight from Sydney. They had me at limited edition and helloooo it’s HK! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

I was even contemplating booking a short trip just so I could buy it. A bit extreme I know haha. 

Then on Tuesday, one of two said friends asked what was it exactly that I wanted and I showed him a picture. And just like magic, he told me today that he managed to get it for me! Wow. Talk about efficiency. Another of my friend who’s a crew of that airline offered to help me get it after certain limitations. And yet another who saw my post said she could help me as she’s travelling for work. 

My heart. See. I always said my friends are better than yours. I really must have done something right in my life to deserve such good people. 

So even though I’m now $89 poorer (actually it’s quite a rip off but I’m such a sucker haha), I’m so happy. I’m also in a good mood because work seems to be taking a turn for the better and my manager seems quite pleased with me so at least I know I’m doing something right. 

So back to my friends… Maybe I should just casually mention that I want a gold bar or something…? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ #kidding

xoxoxoxo. 

Wishes do come true.ย 

Very rare of me to post in consecutive days but since my posts are so few and far in between, relish it hahaha. 

Today I just want to grumble a little about you-know-who. Perhaps because I’ve had nothing but praises about him (except for the few posts where I really went for it), and he knows I look at him and everything he does with heart eyes (๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜), that he’s taken me for granted. I want to formally inform you that I don’t like it one bit so don’t you take that attitude with me, mister. 

We were just texting and he asked my opinion about an event that he did. First, he asked why I didn’t like his post, of which I didn’t answer (see, he actually enjoys the attention I shower on him ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„). Then he asked my thoughts on those pictures. I told him honestly that I didn’t scrutinise them this time and he actually had the gall to go all iffy on me!!! Said it was a waste of his time asking me and saying things like “forget I asked”. Excuse me?! Let me remind you, no one controls *this* wild child.

I mean, since you’re so busy and have zero time for me then why should I spend all my waking hours obsessing over you? And the one time I don’t offer my full support you get all tantrumny on me? Since you don’t even have time to share about your projects, what’s the point of me getting into it when I don’t know shit? That’s hardly fair isn’t it. 

I know you have been there for me and I really do appreciate it very much. In fact, perhaps you’ll be subconsciously used as a benchmark in future. I don’t even want a relationship any longer. As we all grow older, I think just having a companion is good enough. But obviously, I’m not even good enough for that. And this hot and cold game, this ambiguity thingy is so tiring to manage. 

If you haven’t already realised, the distance between us is getting wider because you don’t let me in. Has it also not hit you that I rarely initiate texting you these days? Oh how the tables have turned. But you cannot blame me. You were the one who kept pushing me away and keeping me at arm’s length all these years. And you were the one who also urged me to stop waiting. So maybe, just maybe, I am tired. Be careful what you wish for. 

Ok I’m done ranting. I feel better and I’m going to bed. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Been there, done that.ย 

Am I getting lazy? Or do I have fewer things to write about these days because of my lack of a social life? Anyway, I’ve been to Sydney and back, and while I usually gush about my holidays, I just didn’t have the feel for this one. Maybe because it left a bad taste in my mouth but since I spent way more than I fucking intended, I’ll just talk about one of the highlights. Climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. 

I opted to do the night climb because I didn’t actually see the city after twilight can you imagine that. I also did the full climb because since I was already way over budget, why not just go bigger right? Then because I figured this was going to be one of those once in a lifetime kind of thing, I paid even more money to get a nice memorabilia out of it. 

I have to say I was very impressed by the way the climbs were organised. If I remember correctly, the whole preparation process took about 40 minutes, but of course safety is of utmost importance so that was really necessary. So most of the days while I was there, I had perfect weather. And we all know not everyday is Sunday, so the day I did my climb, it rained the whole day. No. Rain is not even the right word to use. It was fucking pouring. 

Our guide was really upbeat about it though. She kept going, “How often do you get to climb the bridge in the rain?!”. Well, personally, I’d prefer it if I had clear skies so I could admire the cityscape better. 

And because climbing the bridge is such a touristy thing to do, everybody else were either in pairs or as a family. Except me. And I had to be the only Asian. Who is diabetic. So right from the start I was singled out like a sore thumb because I had to keep raising my hand when they asked if anyone had an illness they needed to be aware of, if anyone had any medication (had to carry a small bag of sweets in case my blood sugar levels dipped during the climb) to be brought up, etc. 

And because the weather was supposed to be cold-ish, I wore a sweater and jeans to it. Ohmygod. So we all had to put on a full jumper, and another pair of rain pants, and because it was pouring, we put on the rain jacket too. So you can imagine how bulky and chunky we all looked. I’m sure we looked as good as we possibly could under those circumstances. Well, I felt as sexy as a marshmallow. And because we were walking and climbing, I actually perspired like mad inside. Not a good feeling. 

The climb itself was quite scary at certain points because of the rain whipping at us and the winds whooshing around us. And that traffic was whizzing below us. I know I’m not a very fit person but I thank the gods I used to stair-climb home everyday (operative word: used to lol), because some legs were quite intense and I was panting non-stop hahaha. 

And remember I said I paid extra for some souvenir photos? So I had grand plans of looking nice to make everybody else jealous. I styled my hair and put on a bright lippie colour. But of course, since when does things go according to plans right. Because of the downpour, my hair was matted and messy because we kept putting the hood of the rain coat up and down up and down. And I know exactly how my hair reacts to rain. It just sucks. 

So when it was time to select my photos, I just wanted to squat down and wail. I had eight pictures taken and they all looked like fuck. But I already paid $35! So I had no choice but to choose the best out of the worst. It was a good thing I wore a bright lip colour or I’d look worse. It’s so bad I refuse to show them to anyone (other than my family who of course laughed ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„), and I posted a really tiny, faraway version on Instagram. So small that you can’t see no details no matter how hard you zoom in. And you’ll get to see the same photo. The view was great though. 

So now that this has been done, I’d probably never do it again. But it was a good experience. Except that I’d like to caution not to do it when it’s raining because the steps are very slippery when wet so all you care about is not to slip and fall and die (I slipped a couple of times, nearly spraining my ankle once). And when you’re so focused, your attention from the guide doing the introduction gets diverted. So check the weather forecast obsessively before you book your climb. 

And if you don’t already know, I’m the queen of merch (some people might prefer the word sucker), so how could I not do this? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I did the climb so the bear can come home with me. 

xoxoxoxo. 

Unhappy campers.ย 

My friends are not going to be happy about this. A handful of them are convinced that I’m never going to be able to put X down and walk away even though I promised them I’d try. Tonight, they have been proven right again. 

I’ve told them this theory that I believe in. I also suspect that he’s secretly reading my blog because his timing is always impeccable. Every time I get tired and decide that this is it, somehow, something somewhere will happen and suck me back into the vortex. I’ve tried the out of sight out of mind thing, I’ve tried not initiating any contact, I’ve tried moving on but nothing seems to be more powerful than his draw. I think I’ve shown a vast improvement compared to just a couple of years ago but an improvement is still not sufficient. 

He’s been claiming to be busy, so I told myself ok, enough is enough. Just let it go and move on. And while things seemed to be going quite well, boom. In he comes like a wrecking ball. 

We were chatting over text for a while this afternoon and I thought that was it. Then he continued it from 7pm, and we’ve been at it till now (1am). My sister was using my phone earlier to look at some shopping and you could see the disdain on her face and by how violently she was swiping away his messages that kept coming in. It was quite funny to be honest. But she thinks I’m a lost cause so maybe that’s why she kept quiet. 

He knows I have a weak spot for Paris because I feel it’s the best place in the world to be (and also because we holidayed there together), so I don’t know why but he brought it up all of a sudden and we started reminiscing our most memorable times there. That made me go back in time, and in turn, tons of wonderful memories came flooding back and it reminded me of how it solidified my belief that he’s the best man on this planet and oh how I want to marry him and bring him home. 

And just like that, my earlier resolution crumbled into ashes and dust. I hate it that he has such a strong hold on me and in a way is being so manipulative (whether he realises it or not). He says he will never hold on to me because he cannot give me happiness but yet he’s so protective and looks out for me all the damn time. He subtly, unconsciously reminds me that no one else is measurable compared to him, heck, no one even comes close. He says all these non-romantic things but his actions are so chivalrous. I just feel so torn. 

Oh what do I do. I should go to sleep, that’s what I should do. 

xoxoxoxo. 

We are what we are.ย 

Happy Labour Day from my side of the world! Yabadabadoooooo to the long weekend! I’ve had such a fruitful week leading up to this three-day weekend. The company had our annual kick-off where strategies, focus and targets for FY2017 were rolled out. We had a Rock ‘N’ Roll themed dinner where awards for deserving people were given out, and as usual, I drank way more than I should hahahaha. I reminded myself not to scare my new colleagues, but the alcohol made me do it. Sorry the pictures are so dark, I was lazy to edit them lol. And can we all take a minute to admire the beauty of my new boss (in the middle picture). It’s terrible of me to be saying such lusty things but from the very first time my eyes clapped on him, I was like helloooooo!, and very promptly almost fell off my chair in awe and impure thoughts. I know. Like I said, trรจs terrible. So before I get fired or arrested, let’s quickly move on. We had our team building activity on Wednesday at one of those escape the room thingy. I was a tad worried I might appear to be a complete bimbo but I did much better than I expected. Creative minds are useful too. And our team won woohoo! (And let’s have another look at him shall we lol. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜)Omg so tall! Ok stop stop Sabrina. 

Moving on…. Went to do one of my favourite things two consecutive days- Watching musicals! It is a fairly costly hobby, but the joy that it brings me is priceless. And also, support local haha. Tropicana is about a nightclub/cabaret that opened in 1968 in Singapore and they were well-known for being forerunners in the industry, and also famous for staging topless revues- something really radical for its time. It was great, because it gave me a glimpse of the glory of its heyday and I cannot help but feel a little jealous that I wasn’t able to partake in this only because I hadn’t been born yet. It’s ok. I’m lucky I have wild imagination. Today’s musical is so special to me. Five years ago, when Wild Rice (the theatre production company) first staged the localised version of La Cage aux Folles, I went with a group of friends not knowing what to expect from a musical because I’d never been to one. Little would I know that it not only opened my eyes and mind, but a whole new world of theatre to me. Since then, I’ve been diligently catching different genres of plays, musicals and pantomimes and loving each one, some more than others. So when I found out they’d be restaging La Cage, I bought tickets immediately after they were released. 

If the first time opened my eyes, then the second did wonders for me. I had a huge smile plastered on my face the entire duration, eyes soaking in every colour, every detail, every facial expression of the performers. Oh and I also teared three times because omg, so touching. Now it may sound silly but I really feel like buying tickets to one more show. It really is that good! Also, first time all us siblings are catching a show together!My heart is so full, and I feel that my life is complete at the mo. ๐Ÿ™†๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™†๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™†๐Ÿป

xoxoxoxo. 

Going apes in April.ย 

Helloooo! I know, I know I’ve been MIA for a while. To be honest, nothing much has happened. Let’s see….

I changed a job, still in pharmaceutical sales, the difference is that for my key product, I’m a one-woman show running the whole island, instead of having a team. Which is a breath of fresh air because while most of my ex-team mates are tight, there are black sheeps everywhere right? I’m just so glad I extricated myself from that toxic environment and people. Amen. 

With a new job comes new challenges too. The product I’m doing is quite niche, and there are only that handful of doctors so… Let’s just say these doctors will be seeing a lot of me hahaha. And you know how I can be quite competitive right? So this product is soooooo technical and complicated compared to diabetes, so I have had no choice but to put in extra hours to read and re-read my materials again and again. 

Home-wise, the whole family is in Bangkok having the time of their lives while I’ll be alone for seven days. There’s a few reasons why I’m not with them. The first being my starting this new job. I’m only about three weeks in so I wouldn’t even think about applying for leave so soon. Which brings me to the second. I’m going to Sydney for a week in May. And tickets for this trip was purchased in February even before I left my ex- company. While my superiors are aware of this, I still feel a tad embarrassed for taking time off so soon. And if you all remember, I just returned from Bangkok in March, so there really isn’t a need to go so soon again. It’s terrible having no one to talk to, but a part of me enjoys this silence and doing of laundry hahaha. Don’t tell my mother. She’ll make me do all the laundry in future. 

X-wise, well, I actually met up with him (finally!) at the end of March and I have mixed feelings about it. Of course I was in most parts, excited, but when we eventually met, something just seemed off. While we still ramble and joke and annoy each other during our texting sessions, we didn’t seem to have that much to say to each other. Which made me sad. What happened in those months that he was always too busy to meet me? In the five years we’ve known each other, we’ve never been this quiet or run out of things to say to each other. 

Maybe this was the reason why I haven’t been actively writing also, because I didn’t want to have to pen down these words myself. Because that would mean even I sense something is not quite right. He seems to be charging forward with life though. All these new friends and projects and social stuff, while I stand by and watch like a spectator. I hate this. I hate him. I hate me. Ugh. 

Well. At least we’re creeping into Friday as I type, so that is comforting enough. And I’m meeting the boys for dinner, so that will calm my titties down too. 

xoxoxoxo.