How did we end up here?

And I was right. The number of positive cases had not gone down, in fact we’re seeing an average of 700+ cases a day. And our circuit breaker has been extended till 1 June. I think it may get extended again because there are still tons of idiots out there who cannot stay the fuck at home.

Other than my three medical appointments, I basically have not stepped out of the house since mid March. I’m really quite impressed by myself. I miss my friends, but I think I’m actually a homebody deep down.

And speaking of deep down, in this couple of months, because I’ve had tons of time to myself, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. In some cases, over-thinking. In early March, just a few months after X and me made up and stopped our cold war, we had a massive argument again. Without boring you with the details, I said that he always takes me for granted, and of course, he vehemently denied doing so. And I was soooooo mad because he’s a stubborn fool. I mean, I can be quite obstinate myself, but he never, and I mean NEVER backs down from what he believes in. Good on him for standing by his morals but I would like to say he is not always right.

We have since made up (again), but are you all sick of us yet? Lol. But I feel a difference after this fight. We usually go back to normal after a fight, but somehow this time, something feels different. I just feel that there’s this barrier now that never existed, and we’re being extra polite to each other. Our conversations have also dwindled greatly. We don’t talk everyday now, and most times we’re talking about the fucking weather. How stranger-like is this???

You know, honestly a part of me died when we fought. He obviously takes me for granted and yet he denies it and makes it sound like I’m the crazy one. He’s never in the wrong. It’s always me being unreasonable or asking for too much. And then I felt so tired suddenly. Eight years is a long time. Eight years of waiting for something that never comes to fruition is quite exhausting. And that part of me that died will never come back. The only silver lining is that I generally am caring less about him and his life. I don’t even ask about how he’s doing these days, or tell him everything like I used to do. I think I’m finally coming to terms that we will never progress further than this.

I do feel sad sometimes, but no one around me is rooting for us anyway. So it’s like I’m fighting a lonely and losing battle.

Maybe it’d be nice to start dating someone else. Not to spite him (because he said he’d wish me all the best), but to just move on from him. But on the other hand, I don’t really see the point in dating since marriage and having kids are not in my life plans. It’d just be a waste of everybody’s time and feelings.

I don’t know. Like I said, perhaps I’ve had too much time on my hands to over-think. Gosh I’m such a depressing person. I didn’t plan to start or end this post like this. Let me think of a list of other things to share with you all next time.


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