We have just gone past 150 days now. Still not better. When will I ever be? As my emotional ass thinks about him maybe only about 50 times a day (“Oh I need to tell him this!”, “He’d love/hate this!”, “What would he say/do?”), I can’t help but feel even sadder.
How did we come to this? Ok this question is purely rhetorical because you all know how we did come to this. We were two complete strangers, who met, talked, decided we got along, continued talking for the next seven years and now, we’re like strangers again.
We talked about dreams. And our future. Our future lives had tons of ‘We’ and ‘Us’ in it. Being neighbours, having a hot drink on our door stoops in the cold nights. Possibly even being house mates, where he cooks and I eat. We even thought of what I would do if we owned a little cottage in France. He’d be painting of course, and tend his garden as well. He worried that I’d be bored to tears because I’m such a city girl and not the nature-dwelling sort. Well, I said I could help chop onions while he prepared dinner, or water his precious flowers. I’d think of something to do.
Looks like there won’t be a need to think anymore. Or rather, thinking is all I have left. As in the wishful kind.
I happened to re-watch 500 days of Summer on tv today. The first time I watched it, I cried, because it reminded me so much about us. Except that he’s Summer. I didn’t cry today, but still I felt that wrench that Tom felt. How he didn’t understand how someone who didn’t want to get serious, yet did all sort of couply things with, was just friends. And that someone actually got married to another person. I didn’t too. But as I watched the ending today, it did give me some hope that perhaps, I too, would find my Autumn in this life time. If I can only let go first.
I also happened to chance upon some video about Cinderella the other day. As a kid, I didn’t really get what she was singing about, but now I know.
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true