More than 60 days now. He used to be the first person I texted whenever I had anything to share; happy news, angry rants, random gossip, terrible weather… Just about anything and everything really. Because I really felt that deep connection.
These days, I rarely talk about him. If people ask, I’d just simply say we’re no longer talking to each other, and thankfully, most of my friends have high EQ, so they don’t press me for details. Still not sure if I can talk about it because that would mean dredging up those horrific revelations which I rather much forget about. I behave no differently from my usual loud, madcap self when I’m with other people which is a very good thing. Because the last thing I want is to have to talk about it. Or have others worry about me. Or gossip about it to others.
The nights though, are especially hard to bear. In solitude and when the world is quiet, that’s when it all comes. Every night, I wonder how he’s doing, if he’s ok. And I also wonder if he ever thinks of me too. Everything I do, I can hear him. My insomnia has never gone away, but only gotten worse. He used to nag at me non-stop when he found out I only sleep at about 1am. Imagine what he’d say if he found out I now only sleep at 4-5am.
I used to also share all my work woes with him. And he would always talk me through them. Now, I don’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. Or care enough.
I think I’m getting better though. I haven’t teared (except now when I’m typing this) in a while. I try to re-focus when too much of him occupies my mind. The days are getting easier. The nights… Well I think they may get better too. The only thing that hasn’t changed is me whispering good night to him every night. He can’t hear it, but I feel better imagining the wind blowing it to his ears, so that he’ll have a good night, every night. And I miss you too.