A million little pieces.

I got slapped in the face two days ago. Not physically, but it damn well felt like it. In fact, I think it would hurt less if my body took the physical pain.

In one of my usual, random chats with X, we were talking about how people choose their spouses and how some of them make bad decisions by having children even though the chance of their offsprings being ill because of rogue genes are extremely high. So I asked (since he kept criticising how people seem to choose spouses like buying clothes) how he’d choose his. And he talked about compatibility and getting along well in general. And that’s where it all went downhill.

He basically said that both of us are not compatible AT ALL, and this is a translated excerpt in his very own words:

“You love buying bags, I hate buying bags.”

“I love cooking and eating. You are the type who eats only to live and don’t like cooking.”

“You love drinking, I don’t.”

“I love swimming and walking, you don’t.”

“You like boxing, I don’t.”

At this point, I just felt like he was finding a bone to pick. It’s not that I love boxing, I’m no where near pursuing it, but so far, it’s the one exercise that I don’t hate and actually enjoy. He then continues..

“Your dream home would be in dark colours, while I love bright spaces.”

“My god! We’re more like enemies! How can you say that we’re compatible at all?!?!”

So I brought up the point that even though our interests may differ, but we do have endless conversations; proof being us having three-hour long conversations, and us spending eight to 10 hours each time we hang out even if it was just supposed to be dinner.

He said that’s because we haven’t met in a long while and we have tons to update each other. He said if we were married, we’d probably have nothing to say to each other.

I totally disagree on the above because the time spent “updating” each other is actually quite short. We do spend hours talking about anything and everything, including our future, so why would he say that? I also brought up the point of having nothing to say to a friend even if they have not met for years just because they cannot connect.

Our conversation ended shortly after that, and I felt this terrible ache in my heart. I was honestly thrown off balance and shocked by his comments. Was I the delusional one who believed we had deep, meaningful conversations the past seven years? Did it mean nothing to him, after all this time?

I kept asking myself and putting myself in different scenarios. Would I spend so much time and effort with a person if there was no connection? My answer was always no. Even with my closest friends, we spend half or a day together and see each other once or twice a month, but we don’t follow it up with hours of conversations. So I’m honestly very puzzled why he’d feel that way.

He has since texted me once on whatsapp, and DM-Ed me a cute cat video on Instagram, but I replied to neither. I’m not playing the play hard to get or I’m-angry-therefore-I-will-ignore-you game but I really do not know how to reply to any of the messages. I tried typing a response, but always ended up not sending them.

Before our last conversation ended, I said, since we’re so incompatible, then I guess there’s no point in continuing to talk to each other (right???). Don’t you agree with me? Am I being overly insensitive? I don’t know, I’m really very confused.

What I do know is, how my heart went cold the moment he said those words. I felt a very odd kind of heartbreak; the kind you get where you feel like you’ll never ever be completely alright again. I just lost my (one-sided) soul mate, and I don’t know what to do or feel anymore.

xoxoxoxo.

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