To hurt or be hurt.

One and a half weeks too late but HAPPY NEW YEAR MY DEAR ONLINE FRIENDS!!! And hello from my new phone (first post with it!). May 2019 be a better year for everyone! I’ve gone to Genting Highlands and back, and started my first work week as well. Next week, it will be like boot camp week at work, but I’d get very worked up talking about that so maybe I will tell you all all about it after I’m back, so that you can have a taste of how worked up I really can be and maybe burst a blood vessel or two in the process.

So today, I want to share something that’s been eating at me for a couple of days now. I told X about this dream I had a few days ago, and I was absolutely furious with him in said dream. Why? Because he had a girlfriend. And in the dream (as it is in real life), he kept telling me and giving me reasons why he didn’t want a relationship and then BOOM! Some random chick appears and scores just like that.

He asked me what would happen if it really happened one day. I replied that I would wish him all the best, but I’d cut off all contact with him. He said that I’m too much for wanting to take such extreme measures. I argued that for all the crap reasons and excuses that he has given me thus far, then suddenly being in a relationship, would be too much for me to bear. And knowing that seeing or hearing about them together would absolutely shatter me, I choose to not bear witness to any of that, thus my decision.

I thought that would be the end of that conversation, but it actually continued a couple of days later. He said that it’s not fair to make him choose between a relationship and our deep friendship, and I actually agree. If someone imposed such an ultimatum upon me, I’d probably ask him to go eat shit and die. But what about me? Don’t I have a choice in this too?

Last night, somehow our conversation drifted to that again. And he said it would be very sad if things really turned out as I wished for, and why take things to such an extreme. He ended it with, “Then you are not sincere in wishing me well. How can you be sincere if you want to cut off all contact?”. To be honest, I don’t think I can ever find it in my heart to sincerely wish him well. How can I?

A part of me knows that I’m being very selfish, especially because I am in no position to make him choose like that, but I also know that it’s for the best if this really happens one day. My heart just will not be able to take it. I just hope that one day, he will be able to see why I made such a request of him.

Even though our discussion was purely hypothetical, his reaction made me think that it may just happen soon. Not sure what/when/how exactly, but my gut feels very strongly about it. I just pray that if, and when that day comes, I’ll be ready to face it.

What do you guys think? Is it terribly selfish of me to ask for a complete cut in contact, or is it more important to protect myself from hurt?


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