Why me again?

Hello. It’s almost 5am where I am and I can’t sleep. I won’t pretend it’s because I’m thinking of how to save the world. I allude it to the fact that I took a “nap” earlier from 7-9pm lol.

So since I cannot sleep, I’ll tell you what’s bugging me recently. Remember in January when I said I visited my fengshui lady and she told me I’d change jobs this year? And I brushed it off because I simply didn’t believe it? Well.. It seems that it may just come true. Without going into too much details, let’s just say I’m facing a big crisis at work. My product is potentially going to be monopolised by a new but same product in a higher strength coming in at a lower price. Yup. I don’t get it either. So I’ll be having a discussion with my manager and country manager on Monday about this.

Since our probation period in most pharma companies is about six months, I’ll be in my sixth this month. Which makes me stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. If I get confirmed, I’d have to serve two months notice. I already went without a single cent of incentive the past three months. Should I continue, it seems like I’d not get any either till the end of the year. And that in turn will affect my performance review next year. If I leave, my resume is really going to look crappy because it seems like I job hop very often.

This is so frustrating. I really am starting to think that the god of unlucky is leeching onto me. Why is it wherever I go, bad luck seems to follow? And to think I have team mates who work for half a day or less can achieve their targets without hardly breaking into a sweat. I sometimes work almost non-stop for nine hours (extremely unheard of as a pharma sales rep), have to beg for sales (which I used to pride myself on not having to do) and still have nothing to show for it. Extremely frustrating.

I only told my mum, one colleague and briefly to X (because he sensed that something was up from my IG post) so far. I’m trying to keep it all in. Told myself to hang on for another half a year at least, but I’m really not sure if I can.

Perhaps this industry is no longer suited for me even though I love it. The thought of leaving this altogether scares me. What else can I do? I don’t possess other talents or skills that can propel me further. The only thing I have is my mouth. Not to do shameful things if that’s what you dirty minds are thinking about. My ability to talk is all I have, but I’m not sure what or where it can bring me.

Oh dear lord I’m so tired. Why does it seem that it’s always me you’re picking on? What did I ever do?

xoxoxoxo.

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