Tired is now officially my middle name. But it’s a good and happy-ish kind of tired, so I won’t whine. So last week, I went for my diabetes appointment, and even though it’s not yet time to do my annual assessment, my HbA1c results came back really really good. It’s now 7.1%! Have not seen such low numbers in at least 12 years or possibly more. I’m now 0.1% away from achieving my target! Wooooo hoooooooooo!!!
And because I share almost every single detail of my life on social media, I dedicated a post just for this piece of good news, sharing how happy I was. And then one person liked my post. I was furious for a moment, like how dare he like my post! And in that moment, I was brought back to unhappy times 15 years ago.
In life, there are people who help you and then there are people who bring you down. Before I start thanking all the great and wonderful people in my life, I feel that I should also mention the bad people. In a way, maybe I should thank them for making me more resilient, but no, I refuse to, because these people don’t deserve any thanking.
So the person who liked my post was my ex, and he, of all people should not have the cheek to like my post. You’ll see why. I might have told this story before, but my memory of how much details were revealed are fuzzy, so do bear with me. (Or you can stop reading here lol.)
I started dating him when I was 17+, and we dated for about 3.5 years before we broke up when I was turning 21. Of course I was upfront about being diabetic right from the start, because having this is not something to be shameful of. He was ok with it, until he told his parents about me. The very first thing they asked him was, “Of all the girls in Singapore, why must you choose one with a disease?”. Love how they call it a disease as if it’s contagious. Let me tell you what is contagious- your naïveté and stupidity 🙄🙄🙄. So anyway. I cried when he also stupidly reported this back to me. I mean, I was young and also new to having diabetes, and it’s also not like I asked for it. But anyhow, I forgot about their cruelty after a while.
Then about a year later, I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid gland. This devastated me so much more than when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Because I knew that one of the side effects of taking this medication is weight gain. It basically slows down your metabolism to counter the increased heart rate (which could lead to a heart attack) or something like that. Oh how I cried. I behaved as if the world was ending. And end, it did. Imagine this. I was in the prime of my life, and I relished wearing all these mini skirts to school (because I could lol). And then overnight (okay not really, it was a couple of weeks), I ballooned. I kid you not. I was never a size zero but I went from an M to an XL. None of my clothes fit anymore. I basically lived in frumpy polo tees and knee-length denim skirts because I was just so so ashamed of myself.
Already stressed out with watching my body go out of shape was a bigger, underlying problem. His parents. He was then doing his national service, so we could only meet on weekends. And I used to spend Sundays at his house just to spend more time with each other. But because I knew how terribly conservative his parents were, I opted to stop going over after my massive weight gain. But after a few weeks, he begged me to go over again because he claimed he missed me so much. So I gave in, on condition that he explains to his parents my situation and not a word about it to me.
It was short-lived of course. His mother would never raise the question in front of him because she knew she would get told off. But this fucking conniving woman caught me off-guard one day while I was doing the dishes after dinner. She looked out to make sure her son wasn’t close enough before she pounced on me.
“The weight gain that you mentioned. Is it really what the doctor said, or did you make it up yourself to cover up this gain?”
That is hands down, the cruelest thing someone has ever said to my face. Immediately my eyes welled up, and I had to will myself not to cry in front of this witch. But the moment the dishes were done, I ran up to his room and bawled my eyes out. Even after so many years, as I’m typing this out, I’m tearing because these hurtful words cannot be erased from my mind no matter how hard I try to forget that.
Is it really necessary to be this cruel to a young girl? And you call yourself a mother. All I see is a fucking selfish person. If your son looks like Brad Pitt, I’d have nothing to say because yeah, maybe I’m not good enough, but seriously, look at all of yourselves in the mirror first. I think I’m too good for your son, bitch.
I never told my mother about this because I know that she’ll be sad. In the years after, when I told her how men ran away and did a great job of doing a David Copperfield after I told them about my illness, she actually said this to me. “I cannot blame them for running away, because like all mothers, I’d also wish for my children’s partners to be healthy if there was a choice”. She said this not meaning to hurt me, but to make me understand why some people behaved so. And I understand as well. As much as Singapore is a cosmopolitan city, you’d be surprised at how traditional many people are at the end of the day even with all this education and worldly exposure.
Of course these days, I don’t give a fuck about what others think about my diabetes anymore, but I cannot deny that that traumatic experience has left an indelible mark on me. Like I said at the beginning, the purpose of this post is to shame those ignorant folks but I’m so thankful they make up a teeny minority in my life and are gone now.
So wipe your tears (okay more like mine lol), and look forward to my next post where it will be full of nice and good people and stories! I’m not sure when exactly I’ll write it with this fatigue haha, but it will come. And if you ever read this, Benjamin, I hope you and your mother stew in shame forever and you all better pray damn hard that karma doesn’t come knocking on your door. Like I used to tell you, I can forgive but I will never forget.