Walk a mile in my shoes. 

You know how sometimes people tell you to “just snap out of it”? The context may differ, but mostly, if you’re on the receiving end of this, you might be slightly annoyed because no, I cannot just snap the fuck out of it. 

Well yeah. I was referring to myself haha. But I did recently snap out of something which has been howdoiputit been going around in a semi-vicious cycle for half a decade. I know, I know, I’ve probably talked about cutting X off here and there and then some, but always turned back in the end. I think my friends have decided that nothing they say will change my mind until I snap out of it myself. 

Anyway, it’s been one week since we last had any contact (non-physical of course), and I’m going to tell you what exactly transpired. And I expect all of you to take my side and agree with me after, ok?

So the story goes… I actually wanted to spend his birthday with him this year because I felt bad that he was alone last year (gave up asking last year because every year, he NEVER spends his actual day with me- not that he has to, but still…). So I said I’d buy him a nice meal, and it was all going well until I asked him which day he would prefer (because nice fancy restaurants need advanced reservations because I’m not a millionaire duh). He actually chose today (which I couldn’t anyway because I was lunching with a group of doctors) and that got me really really riled up. 

I admit that when he first asked me, I said any day was fine, including weekdays. But that was before my whereabouts are so watched at work, and that means I no longer have the luxury of taking an afternoon off whenever I feel like it.

What really got me flared up so bad was him picking a random weekday. Ok, so he might not understand how my freedom has been restricted, but come on. The last time we met face to face was maybe almost a year ago. I mean what the fuckity fuck. We meet once a year and all you’re going to give me is maybe two hours of your precious time?! He argued that even if we met on a weekend, we’d have dinner and be done and that would also take the same amount of time. 

What the fuck. Am I such terrible company that you can’t wait to up and go?! I’m not even asking for a full day of his time but maybe even a coffee after dinner would be nice BECAUSE I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN A YEAR AND TWO HOURS IS NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO CATCH UP WITH A YEAR OF MISSING YOU IN MY LIFE. FUCK. 

See. I’m right. He’s willing to give everybody time but me. He even gave a complete stranger more time (stranger turned up unannounced with his friend) even though he felt repulsed by said stranger. What the fuck. I’m actually worth less than a fucking stranger. His argument was that that was his friend’s friend and he had to tolerate him because his friend was leaving the country for good. He wasn’t even keen on meeting this person in the first place!

Ok I digressed a little but other than being really angry, I felt my heart going cold at that moment. Of course, when I stopped replying his messages, he went on to argue about how busy he had been and how because of that his health took a poor turn and that even though he didn’t tell me but he was feeling very unwell blahblahblahblahblahblahblah. 

I mean seriously. How much more do I have to bend over backwards for him? I could give you a list of things that I can’t do, but I’ll just stick to the birthday theme while we’re at it. I’m not allowed to celebrate his birthday, a meal will be just a meal, nothing birthday related. I can’t buy him a cake because he doesn’t like sweet things (but his family can buy him one and he’s ok with that) and also reason above. I cannot buy him presents because he’s difficult to please (his own words) and I’ve since given up because he actually returned a present I gave him even though I spent many many many hours and a small sum of money thinking he would like it and he didn’t even bother pretending to like it. I cannot meet him on his actual birthday because he’s usually celebrating it with other people (look people, contradiction!). And no, I won’t ever be invited to join because “why would I introduce them to you when you don’t know them and don’t talk about the same things?”. Thank you also for making me sound retarded. You and your elistist fucking organic eating tree hugging Mickey Mouse club can shove your attitudes up your own. 

I’m not sure if it’s years of accumulated anger and frustration or it really just hit me that he doesn’t care. 

It has been one week and I have had zero urge to resume any form of communication. I hope you see this. I hope you get mad when you read this. I hope you just cut me out of your life because seriously is there any fucking difference in the first place? I think you have taken me for granted enough. I’ve had enough. Happy birthday in advance. Your fucking wish has finally come true. You won’t even receive the birthday cards that I already prepared (that’s the only thing I’m allowed to give and I don’t even know if he appreciates it or uses it to pick cat poo- ok now that’s making me sad). Now you can blow out the candles on that fucking cake I’ve never been allowed to buy. 

xoxoxoxo. 

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