My friends are not going to be happy about this. A handful of them are convinced that I’m never going to be able to put X down and walk away even though I promised them I’d try. Tonight, they have been proven right again.
I’ve told them this theory that I believe in. I also suspect that he’s secretly reading my blog because his timing is always impeccable. Every time I get tired and decide that this is it, somehow, something somewhere will happen and suck me back into the vortex. I’ve tried the out of sight out of mind thing, I’ve tried not initiating any contact, I’ve tried moving on but nothing seems to be more powerful than his draw. I think I’ve shown a vast improvement compared to just a couple of years ago but an improvement is still not sufficient.
He’s been claiming to be busy, so I told myself ok, enough is enough. Just let it go and move on. And while things seemed to be going quite well, boom. In he comes like a wrecking ball.
We were chatting over text for a while this afternoon and I thought that was it. Then he continued it from 7pm, and we’ve been at it till now (1am). My sister was using my phone earlier to look at some shopping and you could see the disdain on her face and by how violently she was swiping away his messages that kept coming in. It was quite funny to be honest. But she thinks I’m a lost cause so maybe that’s why she kept quiet.
He knows I have a weak spot for Paris because I feel it’s the best place in the world to be (and also because we holidayed there together), so I don’t know why but he brought it up all of a sudden and we started reminiscing our most memorable times there. That made me go back in time, and in turn, tons of wonderful memories came flooding back and it reminded me of how it solidified my belief that he’s the best man on this planet and oh how I want to marry him and bring him home.
And just like that, my earlier resolution crumbled into ashes and dust. I hate it that he has such a strong hold on me and in a way is being so manipulative (whether he realises it or not). He says he will never hold on to me because he cannot give me happiness but yet he’s so protective and looks out for me all the damn time. He subtly, unconsciously reminds me that no one else is measurable compared to him, heck, no one even comes close. He says all these non-romantic things but his actions are so chivalrous. I just feel so torn.
Oh what do I do. I should go to sleep, that’s what I should do.