What a difference a day makes. 

Errrrrr I know I only made my birthday wishes just, but the opposite only seemed to come true?

So I returned to work after a four-day weekend and perhaps it was the thought of going back to work that depressed me greatly, but oh boy, was I down in the dumps. 

You know how I have to do monthly closing for work, and I don’t usually beg for sales because I think only people who have no real skills do so. Well well well, look who had to eat her words. I actually started pleading for sales. For December. And I haven’t even closed for November. That’s how bad things are. And I think it shows on my face. Because as much as I tried to be my usual self, people saw through me. So many clinic staff asked me what was wrong. Some of whom I’m closer with, I told the truth. To others, I lied. 

Most, if not all of them pitied my predicament and promised to try to help me. For that, I’m eternally grateful. And that’s why I’m proud of the fact that I try (and I think I’m succeeding) to build sincere relationships instead of just trying to be like any other salesperson. Because in times of need, these people could save my life. Some of them even repeated my sad story to the doctors, who then gave the green light to help. Thank you thank you thank you. 

What made matters worse was the insensitivity of the person who usurped half of all these accounts that I painstakingly build over the past two years. I know he doesn’t work much because I’m still receiving calls from his customers. And that to me, is the final straw that broke the camel’s back. He even had the cheek to tell my friend that he doesn’t understand why I am picking on him despite me knowing that he’s not well. How can he accuse me of such things? If I was really being personal and mean, I’d have said more to M. And people who know me well enough will know that it’s not personal because I separate work and friendship clearly. If you’re not up to it means you’re not. I will not sugarcoat my words just so your delicate heart will not be broken. After all, who cares when mine got broken? 

It could also be due to me being hungry. I only had my lunch after 2.30pm because I was going around like a fucking beggar, throwing all shreds of whatever pride I had left away. So when another clinic staff commented to her colleague, “so poor thing, she’s in such a bad state yet she still has to be so jovial”, I couldn’t take it. I actually ran to a stairwell (even had to choose a level where I didn’t know anybody) and wept. Like I squatted in a corner and wept like The fucking Little Match Girl. 

The last time I sobbed at work (other than in the office haha) was when my “Stepmother”gave me hell all those years ago. Worse was having to go back to work and having to put my happy mask on even though I felt like bat shit inside. 

Doesn’t help that I’m such a crybaby but I can’t remember the last time I was this stressed. As we speak, I’m at 15% of my fucking target. 15!!!! As a salesperson, numbers are all people look at, and never in my entire career have I seen such numbers. 

Short term, I don’t get money. In fact I haven’t hit my target in two (probably coming three) straight months. That affects my monthly salary. That affects the money I get for end of this year. Plus, I’ve to part with a five-figure sum this Friday for my new old car. Like thanks. Maybe I’ll need to find part time work to supplement my income soon. 

Long term, these numbers will pull me down for the year. Which will affect my performance review and my increment next year. I know life isn’t fair, but isn’t this too much? It’s really getting too much for me to bear. I’m getting really fatigued. Maybe it’s for these myriad of reasons that I broke down at work today. 

One friend especially is very worried for me. She keeps checking on me and senses my moods even when I say nothing or have to act like everything is fine and dandy (planning for lunches and other work stuff). That, though, is probably one of the only bright spots I have left. 

I can’t wait to go on my long break in a couple of weeks time. Even though I can’t afford to travel anywhere, at least I don’t have to face things which makes me unhappy. Oh wait. There’s still our group chat. Do you think I can ignore the chat until next year? Or leave it and ask to rejoin next year?

xoxoxoxo. 

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