Remember all those posts where I lamented about how X and me seem to be going south and it’s time to say goodbye and other shit?
Well, he’s not exactly back back, but we’ve been in contact more frequently again. I really doubt from the bottom of my heart that I will ever let go of him completely, but before you all tear and throw your betting coupons in my face, let me explain.
While it’s true I still grin and my heart does a dolphin leap whenever a text from him comes in, the grin does not last an eternity anymore. Nor is the leap so big my chest thumps. I say baby steps is better than no steps at all.
I’m also happy to report that the urge to tell him every single minute detail that happens in my life has decreased significantly. And I no longer feel compelled to drunk text him anymore. Shouldn’t I deserve some applause here? And guess what? I no longer want to know what he’s up to in detail these days. I used to be so up-to-date with his working calendar that I can tell you where he is at any one time. Now, it’s more of only the big picture, like ok I know that he’s planning to hold an exhibition in May but not the nitty gritty. It’s not that I’m not interested anymore, but I concluded that he will tell me if he wants to. And if he doesn’t, I just carry on with my life.
I still have the habit of telling him things I don’t tell others, because he will tell me if I’m right or wrong. Not many people dare to tell me that I’m wrong. Not because I’m a stubborn bitch (ok sometimes I am), but more because they are not of a certain level of being friends with me yet, or it could be because I don’t them things in the first place.
The thing that really really really gets me is how we always talk about the future as “us” and “we”, whether we’re talking about a few years later, to when we’re senior citizens. I think this is the thing that gives me hope even though everyone and myself says to stop. I can’t. Maybe not now, but hey look, I never thought reducing contact was even possible in the first place. Perhaps with time, I’ll come through.