Miseducation.

When I was very young, I was taught this nursery rhyme (though on hindsight, why the fuck did they teach impressionable, young children this?) and it was my absolute favourite and I remember every single word to this day.

O soldier, soldier, won’t you marry me
With your musket fife and drum?
Oh no sweet maid I cannot marry you
For I have no coat to put on.
So off she went to her grandfather’s chest
And she got him a coat of the very, very best
And the soldier put it on.

When I first heard it, my innocent, untainted mind thought, “Oh poor thing. He must be cold”. And my heart immediately went out to him.

O soldier, soldier, won’t you marry me
With your musket fife and drum?
Oh no sweet maid I cannot marry you
For I have no hat to put on.
So off she went to her grandfather’s chest
And she got him a hat of the very, very best
And the soldier put it on.

Still, I thought he was poor and therefore wanted to look his very best before marrying this maiden. Like wow, such a gentleman.

O soldier, soldier, won’t you marry me
With your musket fife and drum?
Oh no sweet maid I cannot marry you
For I have no gloves to put on.
So off she went to her grandfather’s chest
And she got him gloves of the very, very best
And the soldier put them on.

Then I grew up and suddenly the words started making sense. No, woman, NO! Wake up. He’s going to clean out poor granddad’s chest!

O soldier, soldier, won’t you marry me
With your musket fife and drum?
Oh no sweet maid I cannot marry you
For I have no boots to put on.
So off she went to her grandfather’s chest
And she got him a pair of the very, very best
And the soldier put them on.

And I realised how realistically this song resonates in real life. Aren’t there many stupid, desperate women out there who behave exactly like this girl? We all know her, don’t we?

O soldier, soldier, won’t you marry me
With your musket fife and drum?
Oh no sweet maid I cannot marry you
For I have a wife of my own.

Bastard.

xoxoxoxo.

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