Breaking down.

Last weekend, my company had our Family Day at Universal Studios (USS). I mainly went for the company of a group of colleagues whom I’m close with. I’ve been there twice before, so it’s not like I was full of excitement or anything. Plus, I’m the mother of all wusses when it comes to taking rides. I cannot even tolerate roller coasters which are young people-friendly. To give you an idea what I’m really like, I took rides like Dumbo while I was in Tokyo Disneyland years ago.

I already made it clear to my colleagues that I would wait for them while they go have their fun but they peer-pressured me into taking either The Mummy ride or Battlestar Galactica. I refused but with seven people coercing me, I hardly had a choice right? I cannot put into words my fear. The thing I abhor most about these rides are the acute drops which I’m sure my weak heart cannot tolerate.

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The damned ride.

So we went on the Human one (the red) and I made my colleague have his arm ready in case I needed that extra support. As we were nearing our turn, I was scared speechless and you know how difficult it is to get me to stop talking. I was in hysterics right before it started (laughing maniacally as a defence mechanism) and went into panic mode the moment it launched.

Oh my good lord I can’t even tell you how scary the dips was. At the first drop, it looked like a ninety degree fall and other than giving a blood curdling scream, I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as they could close. I basically screamed all my internal organs out from start to finish. My colleague beside me, other than having the time of his life laughing at my fear, kept urging me to open my eyes to take in the surroundings. Yah, hell I would.

Honestly, I’ve never felt such fear in my life. The ride probably only lasted a minute or so, but it was the longest 60 seconds of my life. Other than yelling at no one in particular to let me off, let me off NOW, I believe I also unleashed a string of vulgarities at one point. I was close to breaking down when we finally alighted. Never again I tell you, no more. Well I kinda had the last laugh because my colleague said he could hear my screaming ringing in his ears the rest of the weekend. Ha! Serves you right for forcing me in the first place.

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Looking all disheveled and hiding my fear behind those shades and smile.

Two nights ago, I met up with a group of friends. We were all working at my ex-company at some point and I’ve been lucky to have worked with all of them throughout my stint there. It was supposed to be a fun night out drinking and such, and it was, except the topic of X kept coming up because they inevitably kept bringing him up.

I tried to brush it off, but once they started talking about him, I couldn’t get him out of my mind and he haunted me the whole night. We all drank too much and partied too hard. At the end of a great night like that, after the confetti falls, I tend to feel a little empty and sad because all that is left of all those coloured paper, is to sweep them all up into the bin. I was the last to alight because the driver friend stays across me.

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Before it all went downhill.

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe because we talked about our struggles with the pseudo relationships, but I started choking up and tearing when I told him not to follow in my footsteps. When he pulled me into a hug, that was it. I started crying and letting what has been bothering me the past month pour out.

I usually don’t tell people what I’m feeling (with the exception of you guys reading this because I don’t have to verbalise my feelings face to face) because who’s really interested in the drama of my life right. And I don’t need people to advise me what to do because I already know deep inside what to do, just that I choose to be in denial and cannot accept the truth if other people tell it to my face.

I managed to pull myself together quite quickly because I didn’t want to reach the point of sobbing to becoming incoherent and very ugly. In a way, it felt good to finally release the emotions I’ve been bottling for so long, yet I felt sad because now I really feel like I have to say goodbye to X (unless I make the first move and offer the olive branch). Which is a pity because we had such a great fission going on and I truly believe he would be my soulmate, regardless of how things pan out in future.

How quickly things change. Two different episodes of breaking down with two complete differing sets of emotions and outcomes.

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Look, I was still so happy here.

xoxoxoxo.

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