Tonight, my world was not set on fire.

Tonight, I did not drink one drop of alcohol, yet I found myself in a pensive and melancholic mood. There’s this thing that has been bothering me for days but in my usual, self-denial fashion, I kept trying to push it away.

I know I’m like the girl who cried wolf. Time and again, I tell myself to let go and move on, but somehow, I always fail because my steely resolve is obviously not made of steel. I forced myself to be objective these couple of days while thinking, and guess what. The truth stings so bad. Actually, I’ve known for a long time but I just refused to acknowledge it, because admitting it would mean I will have to face up to it.

My heart is just not into things. At work, I function like I’ve been pre-programmed. At home, I pretend to be my mad-cap self. At social functions, I behave exactly how people expect me to. I tried to distract myself by reading, but I hardly get through two chapters without drifting. I tried watching K-idol dramas, but the whole unrealistic happy ending shit just made me feel worse.

Tonight, I felt like I really needed many drinks. I mentally went through the list of people I could call and I came up empty. Then, it made me even sadder.

Many years ago, I told myself to never depend on anyone and build high walls to protect myself. I used to do so well. But along the years, these sneaky buggers made me let my guard down and I started tearing down my walls. Now, I’m vulnerable again. Apparently I trust too easily.

Tonight, I did not drink one drop of alcohol, but I wish I did.

xoxoxoxo.

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