There’s this new drama serial playing on our shores starting yesterday and can I say I hate it? I hate it because it’s too close to reality and shouts things out in my face that I don’t want to face.
There I was, happily stuffing my face with Cheetos and the scene cuts to where a kidney patient refusing to go for his dialysis session because he found out that his ex-girlfriend was getting hitched. So he laments how his life sucks balls and how it all went downhill and how it all started after he was diagnosed with diabetes.
Mid-Cheetos bite, I froze. I know I’m supposed to watch what I eat but snacking isn’t exactly the most heinous thing I’ve done in my life. I’ll have to say though, that it was a very successful appetite suppressant for I totally lost all feel for snacking. Then I whined to X about it and he told me to occupy myself with other things for the one hour that serial plays every night until it ends its run.
But because I’m such a rebel by nature (and really because it’s prime time), I watched it again today. Obviously the phrase once bitten twice shy works nothing on me. Today, the female lead has acute kidney disease and needs to be on long-term dialysis and her asshole of a boyfriend does an amazing act of Houdini because he’s such a fucking coward for not being able to tell her he wants out. Even his parents who previously were soooo fond of the girl suddenly treat her like some pariah and encourages their bastard son to ditch her.
Must be some good acting seeing how worked up I am. In reality, I’ve been in a similar situation. Even though it’s been more than a decade, I cannot get it out of my head.
Once upon a time when I got together with my ex, I wanted him to tell his parents about my condition (which he hesitated because he didn’t think we were going to last anyway) so that I wouldn’t have to hide each time I needed my jab or not being able to eat certain stuff. The moment he broke the news, his wonderful person of a father spat out “Of all the girls in Singapore, why did you choose someone with an illness?”. Yup, that totally was not hurtful at all. Bear in mind I was at a tender age of 18 and was just recently diagnosed and therefore already felt terrible about myself. Then this mature adult made such an insensitive comment which obviously wasn’t filtered through that thick numbskull of his.
Obviously I was damn affected and I sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t even ask for this illness in the first place, so why pick on me like that? After that relationship ended, I did date a few more guys. Each time I broke the news, they all seemed to suddenly become the protégés of David Copperfield. Didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face. Motherfuckers.
I used to get really upset until my mother told me, “All parents want the best for their children, so you cannot blame them for not accepting you. If you were healthy, I’d also not want you to be burdened by an ill person.”
It all made sense then. Which is why I’m so convinced (and accepted) that I’ll be forever alone with maybe my cats for company. I have to admit I teared watching it earlier because it dredged up those unwanted memories I try so hard to forget. And it also reminds me of my indefinite life sentence. Because I’ve been diagnosed young and I’m not exactly the most disciplined person around, I’ve been living with diabetes for 14 years this year. Statistically speaking, the onset of complications can start any time. Any time. It’s like the beginning of the end is hovering around, just waiting for me to be unaware before it springs it’s surprise on me.
I know this post is way too long, and I apologise if one gets a headache from reading this but this topic always sets me off to write/ speak as if I was attempting to break a Guinness record.