The angels, the banshees and me.

I’m following some really adorable babies/ toddlers/ children (more of their mothers actually) on Instagram and looking at their photos and videos really put a smile on my face and can brighten my day.

In case anyone is wondering if my biological clock is ticking, it’s not. I still stand by my notion of not wanting to birth anything. Not changing my mind about having my vajayjay ripped to shreds and then being sewn up again.

But I didn’t start out this way. I remember loving my two younger siblings as babies, taking care of their almost every need while my mum played mahjong or was busy. I didn’t mind when my brother puked into my mouth like Singapore’s merlion. I didn’t really mind when my kid sister forced me to buy a toy and a meal at McDonald’s on my pittance of an allowance while I watched her eat (couldn’t afford two meals and that selfish kiddo didn’t even offer me a soggy french fry pffftttt).

So imagine my heartbreak when after all I’ve done for this ungrateful kid (fed her, cleaned her poop, put her to sleep- the works!), she screamed out that she hated me. Because of a toy. Now that I’m all grown up, I know she didn’t know better but still I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. Yup, I was definitely an emo kid.

Thinking back, I’d have to say my repulsion towards having children probably stemmed from when I became diabetic at 17. It was probably more fear than anything else because I was afraid I’d bring misfortune to my future spawn. I don’t think I can live with the guilt of bringing an unhealthy child into the world.

I still feel the same this day and even often joke about giving an award to the man who can convince me to make his babies. Looking at my friends’ children, I sometimes also wonder which traits of mine my non-existent children would inherit. Just, you know, out of curiosity. And when I remind myself it ain’t going to ever happen, I feel a teeny bit sad at times.

People tell me things like it’s not your time yet, you haven’t met the man who’ll change your mind, even two healthy individuals can have unhealthy children etcetera etcetera all the time. I don’t really buy it because I always feel someone up there loves to make a fool out of me, so I’d rather not take my chances.

And then, of course there are those terrors whom you’d love to pinch when their mothers are not looking because they are so fucking annoying. Some children are so irksome I sometimes wish I could stuff him/ her right back up their mother’s birth canal and sew it shut forever. I reiterate, not all babies/ children are cute.

Having said that, I’m glad that most people are happy to conform to society and not think like me, otherwise whose cute children would I coo over with googly eyes?


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