Conditionally unconditional.

I haven’t talked about X for awhile because I have made a conscious effort to try not to. In my last post I said I hope to move on but it is too difficult.

Since he always appears to not be bothered, I have resisted the urge to be the one to always text first. Then tonight, he texted first, and it threw me slightly off balance. I try my best to be neutral and not incessantly carry on the conversation like I’d usually do and it is too difficult. I actually had to put my phone far away from me to stop the urge.

Have met a couple of close friends whom I’ve not seen for some time in the last couple of days and he came up. As we talked, I realised (too late) that he pops up in my mind too often throughout the day, all day, everyday. Surely this must not be healthy. Many times a day when this happens, I have to reprimand and remind myself to push him away from my thoughts. It is too difficult.

I will do anything for him unconditionally. He just needs to ask. Or so I thought. Often, I find myself disappointed or upset at things he didn’t do. I don’t need him to reciprocate anything but I’d like to feel appreciated at times. But then with expectations, it is not unconditional anymore. And I get upset with myself because I thought it would be unconditional on my part. I don’t mean to be greedy but it is too difficult.

I try to imagine a life without him in it (even as status quo) and it is almost impossible. Because it is too difficult.

My friends are great. They have said whatever choices I make, they will be behind me 100%. If I’m happy, they’ll be happy. If I’m sad, they are always just a phone call away. I want to walk away but I don’t. I know I have to but I can’t. It is too difficult.

I know I said I don’t mind being parallel lines with him but I’ve fallen into the trap of falling for him too hard, too much. As much as I want to extricate myself, it is too difficult.

It is too difficult. It is too difficult.


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