Just like that, it’s mid-December already and it’s only 10 days to Christmas. I have done zero shopping and I’m not sure why.
This year is the first I’ve not given anything to my colleagues. I usually put some thought and effort into my gifts because I always hope that my recipients would find my presents useful (even on a remote basis).
This current batch of colleagues are actually closest to my heart in all my working years so I’m quite surprised when I keep going I don’t give a fuck when my mind keeps nagging me to start the shopping. Precisely because they are closest which is why perhaps I’m still embittered by the “betrayal”. I know it’s none of their fault but I just cannot shake off that anger completely. Look who’s the Scrooge of Christmas now….
In fact I am in no mood to celebrate whatsoever. It just feels like all my light and energy got snuffed out. While I’ve since found a new job, I just cannot bring myself to be in the festive mood. I’m actually looking forward to a quiet night in with my family just stuffing our faces in our crummiest clothes this Christmas eve. A far cry from past years where we put on our shiny best, party, drink, eat and make merry the night away with our friends. Looking back, it certainly has been years and years since I’ve spent the eve with just family.
I know I should be looking forward to 2015 with that new year, new start shit. But I cannot help but feel fearful. I’m not the biggest fan of change, and while I had colleagues whom I didn’t get along like a house on fire, there are a handful who almost feels like another family. Also not sure how well I’ll fit into the new company (though I’m quite adaptable and friendly by nature).
And last week, while texting with him, I suddenly got mad (internally) and fed-up with him and had that whole I don’t give a fuck thing going on again. Two and a half years is a long time and I think I am finally tired of this one-sided game. I have given up on always being the one to text first and I have not done that in almost two weeks. In fact, what I’d really like to do in my life now is to be a hermit and shut everyone out. But I cannot for certain reasons.
Well well well look at me being such a wet blanket again. If I remember correctly, I was throwing tepid water on everyone’s Santa suit last year too. So now you know who really stole Christmas.