The unraveling of me.

Today, I went for one of my routine check ups. The good news is that my HbA1c has dropped to a more acceptable percentage even though it’s not ideal yet. Then the bad. My left eye is showing signs of diabetic retinopathy. The doctor tried to downplay it by saying it’s really minor but I wanted to smack her with a chair. Except I couldn’t because the chair was dead bolted to the ground.

Yes it might be minor now but don’t you understand that it will progressively get worse? Two months, five years, three decades but no one knows when. I wanted to tell her that she’s in no position to talk to me because she’s only a senior registrar but I’m not even medically trained. All the medical stuff I learned at work was force fed to me. My usual doctor had to leave because he had something urgent to see to. Of all days and time really.

I have been referred to an eye specialist whose dates are so packed the earliest I can see him is in November. I could well be blind in one eye by then. I haven’t told anyone except you who’s reading this because I have so little information at this point that I don’t know what to say. So I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or misfortune on your part because you’re privy to firsthand information here.

When I was first diagnosed at 17, the doctor warned me then that if I didn’t take care of myself, I might start seeing complications before I turn 30. That doctor should switch careers to be a fortune teller. I’m a few months shy of being 30.

I have no one to blame but myself because I took it for granted that I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me therefore I could do what I bloody want and neglect my health.

I know I’m being a little dramatic here but these things are irreversible. Things can only go downhill from now. Which is why I came to a decision today. Other than attempting to take better care of myself (better late than never), I will not burden anyone else in future. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining someone else’s life (unless it’s a paid care giver) because I just cannot afford that kind of responsibility. Yes, short of taking the vow of celibacy (a little bit of fun on the sidelines should be allowed) or joining a nunnery, I will remain single (with consciousness and tons of effort).

The one miraculous thing is me not crying since today happened. I mean, it’s ME we’re talking about. The person who cries at every single thing. Maybe it has not sunk in yet but if this is not a sign of being a mature adult, I don’t know what is.

xoxoxoxo.

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