And then it all went downhill.

Today started off well. Mum cooked porridge for lunch, I ate two bowls of it. Watched some tv and left to go to X’s house to help with his assignment.

Fast forward to 2130hrs where we went for dinner. As usual he didn’t want to take my money. Plonked my ass down to reserve us some seats and just as I was typing what I wanted to eat, he took a picture of the menu and sent it to me. I looked up to give him two thumbs up with a big grin on my face. We locked eyes and he grinned right back at me. Oh, be still my beating heart.

Then I looked up again and he looked like he was going to eat someone up. So we had the following silly conversation.

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After he sent the “Look!” message, I did look and we both started laughing. Me at the seat, him in the queue. We must have really looked mad.

Then it started going downhill. I told him the story of how one of my colleague is planning to set me up with her husband’s colleague (I’ve been constantly targeted to be match made by and to various people but usually they’re all in jest and this is kind of the only concrete one). The conversation went like that:

X: “Have you seen how he looks like?”

Me: “Nope. But according to my colleague he’s tall and good-looking.”

X: “Would you go if he really is tall and handsome?”

Me: (in my mind: “of course not, silly.”) “No. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to.”

X: “Why not? You like tall and handsome. If you don’t go, you might miss this opportunity in future.”

Me: *pauses long enough to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star* “Are you really ok if I go?”

X: (pretends not to hear me) “Huh?” (maybe he really didn’t hear I don’t know.)

Me: “Is it really ok with you if I am successfully whisked away by someone else? Do you really not mind?”

X: “If he can make you happy, and you are happy, I’ll be happy for you.”

Wrong answer dude. My heart sank when I heard that. While I’m glad he’s not holding me back because he cannot find it in himself to commit, I really cannot believe he’s ok with me leaving. Are you blind? Are you stupid? Can’t you see I don’t want anyone else?

Stupid, stupid dum dum.

xoxoxoxo.

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