FAQs by annoying relatives.

Because I think I might have sent a couple of people into depression with my previous few posts, and because it’s the Lunar New Year period, this entry will be all about the festivities. Yay.

I struggled hard with myself if I should go visiting this year because of my you-know-what. Parents thought that it would be difficult to explain my absence so I basically tried hard not to breathe the two days I was out.

If you’ve ever had an opportunity to partake in a typical day of a Singaporean Chinese during the Lunar New Year, you’ll know that it will involve house-hopping, eating, gambling, eating, eating, gossiping, eating and eating. Repeat this process for however many days you’re required to show your face to the myriad of relatives whom you’ll probably see once a year.

Me, I’m lucky I only need to be involved in two days of festive mingling, and to people whom I see regularly. It’s quite nice to be able to stuff my face with goodies once a year really. Best of all, no one judges you because everyone is either doing the same, or are so caught up with gambling to notice your greedy guts.

However, the one question which I dread most (all year round actually), but is especially partial during this time of the year is the “Where is your boyfriend?” one. I don’t know what it is about huge gatherings and festivities but this question is like a Must Ask.

Because my parents have brought me up to be polite (not that I adhere to this strictly), and out of basic respect I should have towards my elders, I actually did not lose my temper when I was asked this questions repeatedly. I did however, have varying answers to that question.

“Where is your boyfriend?”
“What boyfriend? Who boyfriend?” *slinks off* I call this the memory loss tactic.

“Where is your boyfriend?”
I don’t want a boyfriend. If I have one, I won’t get to collect any more ang baos (red packets containing money) from you already!”. Being cheeky and laughing it off almost always guarantees an opportunity to change the subject.

“Where is your boyfriend?”
“I couldn’t decide which one to bring”. Will probably create more fodder for gossip about being a promiscuous woman but whatever works eh.

“Where is your boyfriend?”
“Waiting for you to introduce one to me lah!”. Also another good one to distract and move on and away.

Except the last one didn’t really work for me this year. The moment I said it, two of my aunties immediately attempted to match-make me with people they know. Oh dear god I was joking! I mean, which normal person walks around with a database of potential candidates for their nieces?!

I know. People always tell me to have an open mind, but I really think I’m capable of finding my own partner thankyouverymuch. And no, I’m also not sure how much I can trust my aunties’ taste in men. Besides, you all know I have my eye on the prize. It’s just that said prize is not reciprocal at the mo.

And oh. Some of my aunties are friends with me on Facebook and were apparently silently stalking my posts. One of them announced to the whole town (my father has seven sisters. Tell one, all knows) that I use the F-word.

Fuck fuckity fuck. It is my favourite F word after Friday ok. And come on. Are we living in 1876?! News flash: ALL your children use it too, it’s just that they are not your friends on social media. Did you really think none of them use this word? Fuck. And they said it in front of my dad. I thank my lucky stars my father uses more crude words sometimes and knows his children are not that innocent or I’ll probably get public caning.

They had a whole 10-minute tirade against me; how it lowers my value as a woman (say what?!), how no man will ever want me (and sure, they would like a prude??), and how I have no respect for myself (I utter a few fucks and now I get categorised into the same league as the village whore?). Jesus Christ on a stick.

And this is why I’m glad it’s over for another year. And they wonder why I’m increasingly declining invitations to gather. If you face similar questions, please feel free to use the above references with wild improvisation. Let me know if it works. Word of caution: It might not actually work on persistent relatives.

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Yes I chopped my hair off! CNY day one.

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With my siblings.

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Sisters with the same hair style.

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CNY day two.

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Day two with the siblings.

xoxoxoxo.

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One thought on “FAQs by annoying relatives.

  1. Pingback: Perfect time to hibernate. | fab.sab

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