A day of tears.

0700hrs
Woke up to a bright, jaunty day. Didn’t sleep last night because I was worried about how my CT scan would go today. Perfect weather made me feel like everything was going to be a-okay.

0930hrs
Patiently waiting for my name to be called.

0945hrs
A voice chimed “Madam Yeo”. Fuck this shit who are you calling Madam???  Told to change into another of those surgical gowns.

1000hrs
Kind lady explained how the scan was going to be carried out. Think my voice raised two octaves when she told me they had to insert an IV plug. On TV all they do is go through the machine. No one told me that contrast was going to be injected into me with some possible side effects! Ok fine. So I didn’t do my homework.

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Trying not to hyperventilate with the plug so up in my arm.

1020hrs
Given the green light to go have my breakfast and to return at 1130hrs to collect the results.

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My favourite kind of breakfast.

1106hrs
X texts me to ask how the scan went. “Still waiting for results”, I tell him.

1124hrs
He says “Ok. Dont worry. It will be fine. Call me when you have the result.”

1132hrs
Bff texts me to ask about the results. Said I’m going to collect them now and going to the doctor. Said to update her. I promise I will.

1225hrs
Doctor says there’s a 2cm nodule at the back of my right lung. Said he can’t tell what it is. Could be anything from an infection to tuberculosis to…. That dreaded C-word. Advises me to do a lung biopsy and sends me down for further blood tests. Shit just got real.

1231hrs
Updates Bff on status. She says fuck. Offers to come accompany me but I say no. Starts tearing in waiting area. Fuck. I do not have tissues in my bag. Wipes tears using hands and wipe them off skirt. Do not have the balls to call X. I know I will start crying uncontrollably.

1250hrs
Colleague comes looking for me to go for lunch together. She walks through glass doors, registers my red eyes. I crumple and ask her for a piece of tissue. I sob into tissue for a couple of minutes. Must have freaked her out. She holds and pats my hand and hugs me. I sob further. All these done silently, mind you. The lab staff then calls my name and proceeds to draw six vials of blood from my other arm.

1352hrs
X texts me again asking “you didn’t get your results yet?”. I ignore his message because I’m afraid the flood gates might reopen.

1417 hrs
X calls. I have to answer. I report in a clinical manner because that’s the only way I can handle it at that moment.

1540hrs
I head back to the office to do stuff even though I’m on leave. Bump into my manager who is having her late lunch. Asks me how I am. My face crumples once again. I plonk my ass into a chair and grabs her paper napkin to bury my face. Must have shocked her also. Seeing me cry made her tear up too. She comforts me. I try to compose myself.

1600somethinghrs
Speak to HR about insurance coverage. Situation seems bleak. I slink off to do my work. Starts tearing again because I felt sorry for myself. Manage to finish what I set out to do with dry eyes.

1653hrs
X calls me again. He probably wants to update me after speaking to his doctor friend. I reject his call because I’m speaking with my manager.

1731hrs
I haul my ass out of office and call X back from my car. Asks me to get my films back so he can pass them to his doctor friend who will pass it to her oncologist friend to take a look. Tells me to hold off the biopsy till I get the second opinion. Tells me also not to dwell on it for now and that everything will be ok. I cry for what seems to be the thousandth time today. He says he understands how I feel and tells me I sound terrible. Must be surprised because he’s never seen me like this before. I hope he doesn’t really expect me to be in the highest of spirits in this condition right? Asks me if I’m still up for dinner tomorrow. I meekly answer yes please because I don’t want to stay at home and mope. I hope he ends the call soon because I’m barely holding it together and my voice is starting to break and I have to sniffle before mucus drips down my nose. We end the call. I double up in my car sobbing. Fuck. Still don’t have tissues. I climb out, open the trunk with tears streaming down my face and finally get those damn tissues.

At some point after…
Manage to drive myself home safely and manage to look normal. I have to because I don’t want anyone at home to be suspicious and start asking questions. I mean, you all know how well I am at containing my emotions by now.

Some time later
I get an influx of messages from well-meaning friends. There goes my resolve again. I have to beg them to stop asking because I’m such an emotional wreck. Thank you all for your concern. I really appreciate the love I’m receiving but I do not know how to proceed yet. I will update again when I’ve come to a decision.

Now
Typing about and reliving today has got me crying again but I have managed to stop. After all, I still don’t know what is that nodule sitting in my lung. I will try to stop being dramatic. Let’s hope no one asks me again tomorrow. Most of all, let me not crumble in front of X. I’m an ugly crier, you see. And when I say ugly, I really mean fugly.

xoxoxoxo.

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