Run, Sab, run.

Short of taking out an ad in the newspapers, it should be extremely clear by now that I will go through my life childless.

Before any of you let’s-make-the-world-a-better-place-by-reproducing-like-rabbits types jump out from a bush and attempt to sit me down and want to talk me out of my supposedly “daft” idea, stay where you are amongst the shrubbery.

I’m not sure if these people realise it, but their horror stories have the exact opposite effect on me. Let me give you my top three reasons.

1. You will change your mind when Mr. Right comes along.

Except that I don’t believe there’s such a good thing of a man out there. And if he really loves me, wouldn’t he be respecting my decision? Even if a miracle is bestowed unto me, why can’t I just keep him to have sex without worrying about whether I’ll have a spawn growing inside me?

And for some of you, wow so you have found the love of your life, but I bet you didn’t know how he’s been screwing around from one end of the block to the other? Great job there.

2. You’re not a complete woman till you experience childbirth.

This is the one that irks me the most. So are you saying all those poor barren women are not complete just because they are not able to do what nature has decreed all women to do?

And honestly, after telling me stories that are more like nightmares, you really think I won’t think three hundred and sixty-two times about having my vajayjay ripped apart?

How about losing all your dignity with your legs spread apart like the lines of the East and West of a compass? Not bad enough? Ok, what about having the above plus random strangers passing off as various health care professionals peering, poking and prodding you down there?

Oh you think that’s fine? Well then think of how I imagine it to be like trying to squeeze something equivalent to the size of a baby elephant through a straw. Since you’re so nobel, I’ll pass on this wonderful and enriching opportunity of mine to you. No I really do not mind.

3. Your life will never be the same again with the arrival of your baby.

Uh, like DUH! I know for sure it will change for the worse. Endless sleepless nights, incessant crying and changing of diapers, end of my social life, nipples turning dark, becoming as interesting as watching paint dry because all you ever talk about anymore is your baby and your baby and your fucking baby. Well I could go on for two hours more but I shall not.

And I’ve not even started on what a monster the kid could turn out to be. I’ve also had friends turned mothers turned psychos.

One minute they’re telling the world to fuck them because they’ve not been able to sleep since maybe 1968, and the next they are posting a trillion non-fascinating pictures of said insomnia-inducing creature and how they wouldn’t change the world for anything. Errr schizo alert!

Maybe I’m at the age where it’s the norm to reproduce, but I’m not a sheep. And I’m seriously tired of post after post after post about babies on social media. I’m not (and I’m sure 98% of your friends aren’t) interested in whether or not your baby has started on solid food.

I don’t see my mother hiring a cheerleading squad when I have my meals. Neither am I in any way enthusiastic when bubba can walk in his/ her walker. I’ve never seen elderly folks on their walkers looking like they struck lottery.

Worst are those who self-compliment their children. Yes, I understand that it’s most normal for one to be biased towards their offspring, but please, learn and remember that self-praise is no praise.

Example: It wouldn’t count if I did a perfect face of makeup today and exclaimed “I’m sooooo pretty I’m going to knock all the boys out!”. Neither would anyone pay me any attention if I said I think I possess the poise and airs of Audrey Hepburn.

So you see. If anything, these people make me want to run towards the other end of the world instead of embracing and looking forward to the day when I have my own little(s).

I cannot believe I spent so much time talking about something I do not want. Psychosis might be transmitted by osmosis or contagious by influence and relativity.

xoxoxoxo.

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