Cool- The missing gene from my pool.

Shades. Sunnies. We all know they are mainly used to shield and protect our eyes from the blinding sun rays. Also used by celebrities who sometimes want to go incognito (but sometimes they select a pair 10 times the size of their head that just screams LOOK AT ME!!!!!).

Me? Other than it’s sole purpose, I have to admit I sometimes wear them in a very feeble attempt to look cool. I say attempt simply because I just cannot seem to pull off the cool look. Cool is apparently missing in my gene pool.

But I digress. Recently, I have realised a couple more uses for my shades.

A perfect cover to well, cover my dark eye rings. Since maybe bell bottoms were back in fashion the second time round, I haven’t been sleeping well. Ok maybe I’m exaggerating just a tad about those hideous pants. More like when I wasn’t plump. Heck I’m barely sleeping these days.

Imagine the following scenario: I usually only wear them when I’m driving so after I’m parked, I (in my own mind sashay like a VS model) walk to say the lift lobby with the wind lightly tousling my hair, and nonchalantly (and coolly) lift them shades onto my head. Then the cute guy also waiting for the elevator does a double take, frission passes through us, we fall in love, get married, buy a farm and have a brood of kids. Right?

WRONG. First of all there’s never a cute stranger who appears within a five metre radius of me. Then comes the bigger problem. If there are people around, they do do a double take. At my panda eyes. You should see the look being registered in their faces. They behave as if I’m a battered wife seeking SOS help and am removing my sunnies to show how bad the damage is. To their credit, they usually manage to rearrange their features back to a somewhat normal expression.

I’ve also decided to slowly start wearing shades to the office. Slowly so that no one will notice the new accessory. As you already should know, I’m honest to the point of coming across as offensive for it. I’m not sorry for behaving this way but I don’t need more drama in my life right now.

Ever since my last post about FFF, so many more issues have cropped up and it’s driving me up the wall. She’s my next favourite person after, let’s see, the person who came up with all those stupid mathematics formulas.

Like come on. None of my employers throughout my working life of almost a decade has ever asked me to solve a simul-fucking-taneous equation. What’s the use of inventing a calculator then? Let’s face it. I’m not of inventing something or building a plane from scratch from 15 pieces of cardboard and staplers material.

Sorry sorry. I get so carried away at times. Back to FFF. So I said I’ll need to start wearing shades with her because I’m afraid of the uncontrollable eye-rolling on my part. Not that I’m afraid of her. I don’t want to make our working relationship awkward. You see, as potty as my mouth is, deep down I’m not as cruel as I seem.

I mean, she’s already hard to want and she’s making it even harder to love her (as a person). I have had friends who kicked me under dinner tables and texted me on the side to behave myself and control my eye muscles. I wasn’t even aware.

On my part, I’ve made an effort to appear all The Sound of Music nice by having monologues, but apparently my eyes (like many parts of my body) have a rebellious streak and refuse to listen to me.

Next up- To find ways to keep my mouth from saying pearls of wisdom (horror to others) without taping them shut with duct tape. My suggestion box is open.


Hey look. I can look as cool as Edward Cullen.


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