I didn’t know I was pregnant. *cue Phantom of The Opera music*
Ok. I’m not ok. It’s just that I had a moment slightly earlier that made my panties bunch up into a knot by themselves.
You know that show I didn’t know I was pregnant on Discovery/TLC (can’t blame you if you didn’t because it’s quite a tacky show in my opinion but I watch it sometimes anyway when the other choice is watching my toe nails grow)? That program which showcases women who didn’t realise they were pregnant? Yup. That one.
Anyway I was going through what those women were going through a moment ago.
● Sudden, intolerable cramps- check. I swear it felt like there was a monster eating my uterus from inside out. Oh. That was another B-grade movie wasn’t it?
● Regular periods- check. Mine is so punctual I can almost tell the time from it. Like you know how the people of the past did by using sun dials and reading from shadows? Yup. Almost like that.
● Little/ no weight gain- check. Though mine was probably from the excesses of chips and other snacks.
● The cries of “WHAT?! I’M HAVING A BABY???!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!”– check. Except that all I was thinking of was how to get rid of it. Flush it down the toilet? Stuff it back up my vajayjay?
The only thing that stopped me from screaming in panic/ hyperventilating/ calling for an ambulance/ passing out from sheer shock was suddenly remembering that I’ve been celibate. For a really long time.
I would also like to add on a side note that I’m not celibate by choice. What. Am I a saint or something?! Sadly, I’ve been single since maybe Culture Club was fashionable. The first time round too. Can I also add that I’m not a prude but it’s just a personal preference.
Of course, if I really wanted, I’m sure there’ll be a queue of willing men. Self consolation and a really lame attempt at making myself sound desirable. But it’s not like I’m buying veggies from the market so I think I do retain some rights to be picky.
So yes. Scared the bejeezus out of myself for nothing really. Must be a result from watching/ looking at baby videos and pictures recently. Oh. My last post was baby-related too.
This has to stop. Let’s change the subject pronto.
Did I tell you how I had to make an unplanned detour home this afternoon to wash my already washed hair because a damn bird decided that it would be the perfect spot to relieve its bowels?! Yup I know. It’s disgusting beyond words.
I wish for that shitty bird to die a horrible death. Preferably by being run over. Preferably by me. #IfYouHaveDiarrhoeaStayInYourNestAndDontFlyAbout
This day has been nothing short of being nightmarish.