My friends are dropping like flies. First it was K and the cancer. Yesterday, I found out that my bff of 15 years, M, has a degenerative muscle disorder.
It’s bad. It has something to do with her thymus gland. Apparently it is producing anti-bodies that are attacking her muscle receptor. Or something along those lines.
I have not seen her in two months but I noticed a slight difference. I thought her eyelids looked a bit droopy and noticed her slurring at some points but brushed it off. As if reading my mind, she told me that her eyelids will involuntarily droop sometimes because she has no strength to keep them open, ditto the jaw.
She also said her jaws are so weak she can barely chew and has to be on a perpetual soft diet. She has to also grab my arm sometimes as we’re walking when she feels her legs going soft AND needs her mother’s help when going to the toilet especially at night because she simply can’t stand up from the toilet.
Worst of all, if her condition is unable to improve, she will one day be rendered, in her own words, like a jellyfish.
This is heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine how she feels. A once hale and hearty person losing control of her muscles little by little. M doesn’t smoke doesn’t drink, has no vices. What a cruel world we live in.
I’m having a selfish moment here because these people are my dear friends. Why them? Why not people who do evil?
In comparison, my diabetes pales. Who cares if I have to inject myself five times a day? This is nothing compared to what they’re going through.
M is now on medication to give her strength in order for her to go for an operation after the lunar new year. There is a 15 to 20% chance of a complete recovery. The remainder will improve slightly, and about 5 to 10% will not have any difference pre and post op. I sure hope like hell M will be in that 15% group.
I came home yesterday and told my mother about it. While describing her condition, I’m ashamed to say I broke down and couldn’t stop crying for my bff. Needless to say, I woke up with goldfish eyes.
In the circles that I hang out with, I’m a renowned crybaby. Many things can set me off- a touching movie, a sad book, a surprise, extreme anger, feeling sorry for myself moments and 385 more things probably.
It is a challenge for me to hold myself together when I’m with M and K, but I will do it. How can I breakdown in front of them when they themselves are feeling rats arsed about their own conditions? It will be a cardinal sin for them to comfort me instead.
Therefore, in front of them I will be the me they are so accustomed to seeing, and I will not play the pity card on them as well. I will not treat them like precious vases because I want them to fight those evils and molly-coddling them will not help.
However, I implore all of you to put up with my flood moments when I’m back here alone. Send me virtual hugs maybe (though I’m sure that will also reduce me to tears). Tell me off if I’m being overly weak. Or if you have had enough of me and my fluctuating emotions, there’s always the unfollow button.
I’m not a pious person (and I’m not shy to admit it), but dear God, please make my friends well again. If You think that’s too much to ask for, then stop picking them as flies to be swatted. Thank you.