Woman, what is that Thing?!

There is one Thing that baffles me to no end- Babies. Note I call them “Things”.

If you are a googly-eyed, gurgly, oh-baby-waby-you-sho-cute kind of person, stop reading here. What I am going to rant about say next will not be very pretty, and I’m afraid your tender, wittle itty fragile heart cannot take such trauma.

So, babies, especially the new-born ones. Has anyone noticed how ugly they usually are? Let’s backtrack a little and talk about the:

Birthing process.

Women in labour are horrendous. The way they have to spread their legs open, bush and the whole forest on display for the world and her mother and father and brother and sister and grandaunt and… Ok you get the idea. Plus the fact that they look like someone is setting them on fire alive. I watched snippets of this programme of women having babies on TLC and I want to slap some of them. “Get it out, get it out!”, they scream. Hello, of course they have to get it out. Did you expect that you can shove the baby back in and pretend that you were never pregnant?

So one moment they are screaming like banshees and the next they go all “oh my lovely baby, how I love you so”. Mild schizo there. While they are entrenched in their bliss, the poor doctor is usually busy stitching up their vajayjays. There is no dignity in this entire process I tell you. Yes, I came out this way too, and I love my mother dearly, but whatever choices my mother made doesn’t mean I have to do it too.

Woman in labour

Next, we’ll talk about:

Newborns (and their parents).

As you can already tell, I’m not a fan of newborns. Come on, they look like shrivelled old people. You know the term ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’? Yes, I believe this rings true for all parents. Other than my mother (yes, my mother. she asked the doctor if they gave her the right baby cos I was underweight, very bald and ugly), I have never heard anyone commenting that their baby is ugly. Even when they really are. Instead, they call them “my precious”, “my little miracle”, “the love of my life” and silly-sounding terms like that.

“Look at my little miracle!” (Yeah it’s a miracle no one burned it at the stake yet)

Then they post a picture of Hobbit junior on Facebook and they garner a gabazillion likes. Some of these pics, I have scrutinised it from every angle possible and still have not found a flattering bit of that little creature they call baby. Don’t all babies look the same??? Plus, it’s not as if giving birth is a miraculous affair unlike how Jesus turned water to wine. Come on, a baby is just a by-product of sex.

Worst of all, when you meet these blind parents who probably think their milk monster is going to grow up to be a real heart-breaker, they shove a trillion pictures of their Thing up your noses. They break hearts all right- my heart breaks at the thought of them having to face the cruel world when they grow up and find themselves bullied at every turn because let’s face it, Quasimodo wasn’t the most popular person around.

“He will grow up to be a real heart-breaker!”
Yes he sure will. My heart breaks for the rejections he is going to face in life.

I’m sure some of you have had occasions like this where you are unable to find in your heart, the delusional things the parents want to hear, but have to spit out an obligatory “oh he/she is so cute”. Not me. My parents taught me not to say anything if I have nothing good to say so I usually change the subject altogether.

Blind Parent: *shoves albums of troll pictures in my face* “Look at Troll! Don’t you think he/she is just the cutest thing?????! Don’t you wish you have one of your own?? Oh gosh I’m so in love!!!”.

Me: (Thinking) *Oh for the love of God what the fuck is that?!!! Is that a growth????!!?? Oh. Ok that’s just the nose* “Are those chips BBQ flavoured?” *scampers off*

Then the little imps grow up. Some are smart alecs, some are whiny, then you get the dim ones. I do think some toddlers are quite cute. Until they start drooling on me or start wailing for their mummies. Whichever comes first. I have never wanted children. People tell me I will change my mind when I meet the “Right One”. No I will not. Not especially after I have probably accumulated so much bad karma by my criticisms through this post.

People, go ahead by reproducing like rabbits if you want to. Just leave me out of how I should contribute to the world’s population or force me to go googoogaga over your Thing. Or else, don’t gape in horror like how I did when I saw how Cecilia Jimenez ruined a 19th-century fresco of Jesus.

Ecce Homo: Behold the Man or Behold the Monkey?

This post is just an outlet for me to rant. If you really feel offended, too bad!



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